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acfox13 t1_it5pbq7 wrote

Toxic positivity is also known as Spiritual Bypassing - it's skipping over acknowledging the suck of grieving and feeling alongside another human and moving right to "solutions" or platitudes.

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l0v3bu770n t1_it6jweq wrote

It’s nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, that’s bullshit.” Add a little fuel to the fire sometimes…

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Haploid-life t1_it71xwh wrote

Yep. Commiserate instead of trying to get me to dismiss my own feelings.

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--leave_me_alone-- t1_it72g8j wrote

Naw. Stop wallowing. People get mad when some people say the solution to depression and the like is to "just get over it". That's why it sucks. As someone that was wildly depressed, you have to find the key which is often just a shift in perspective.

I still get depressed, and I use self affirmation to ride it out

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Rebresker t1_it73r69 wrote

I was part of a 20 year study for kids with a parent who was diagnosed with depression and showed signs of having depression that was geared towards preventing depression. We talked a lot with each other, had classes about recognizing the early stages of depression and described those stages as a downward spiral. Discussed ways to recognize and prevent yourself from going down further.

They paid us to do it and bought us lunch. It was like initially once a week, then once a month, then when we got older it was just phone interviews.

I think it helped get me through some shitty times but I think something like that requires a “renewal” once in a while because I honestly at this point can’t remember much about the content of those classes to put in practice.

Also, legitimately talking sincerely with other people is pretty nice in itself.

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Haploid-life t1_it7fgpa wrote

Ah yes, tell the lady that is grieving the loss of her husband or child to stop wallowing. FFS.

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--leave_me_alone-- t1_it7w3bn wrote

That's not the context of this post, and as a generality I stand by what I said.

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--leave_me_alone-- t1_it7zl9w wrote

Hold up, are you literally just making a straw man post here? You literally are posting about your son and husband...

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kingman123 t1_it7e1ek wrote

Exactly. Focusing on the solutions, doesn’t mean neglecting the problem or the negative feelings. It just means you drop the constant rumination. It could even be useful to schedule like 20-30 minutes of your day to just feel like shit, but after that it just blocks you from moving forward

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nxdark t1_it7prc3 wrote

Your feelings are not serving you well and making the problem worse. You should dismiss them and just work on solving the issue.

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ashoka_akira t1_ita09a3 wrote

So someone just died and I’m dealing with the grief of that, how do I solve that issue? Are you saying that I’m not allowed to have my grief?

Preventing someone from grieving actually hinders their psychological healing: sometimes you actually have to have feelings and work through them and not just dismiss them.

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nxdark t1_ita3ej9 wrote

Grief is a waste of time. This is a lesson to learn to prepare for anyone's death as death is a fact of life. Accept anyone will not be here tomorrow then the next time it happens you will be unaffected and you will be able to continue on with your life. Preparing ahead of time means there is no damage you need to heal from.

Believing you have to be sad and have an emotional response when something that is a certainty just wastes your time and energy.

We as humans must work to evolve past this nonsense.

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gak001 t1_it6zqiw wrote

Great point! It's super isolating. Solidarity and commiseration are actually helpful.

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Eguana84 t1_it7dh1d wrote

Exactly. Sometimes you just need to feel stuff as it comes and not paint over it and slap a fake smile on top. That ignoring it and repressing it will make it 30x worse, trust me i tried. Now I embrace the lows along with the highs and I’m more joyful than I’ve ever been.

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EricScheffey t1_it6hpbz wrote

Think more positively, it's healthy.

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Jealous_Swimming_835 t1_it6vuu2 wrote

but it can be unrealistic, hard times and bad circumstances are a part of life, as well as the negative feelings that are attached to them. it's okay and normal. I don't think it's a healthy way to cope by always trying to think positively during these times. take that with a grain of salt, I do agree that we should try think positively rather than negatively in our general day to day life.

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Rocket_Monkey_302 t1_ita08rd wrote

A positive attitude, not a delusion.

The positive everything people give me the creeps. No there is no silver lining that my dog is dead and my grandma didn't live long enough to see my children born, I'm balding and suffering from chronic migraines. It sucks but I'm a fucking adult, I'll get over it.

My perspective is accept my reality and realize, I'm fortunate I've got what I have, it really could be worse.

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Eguana84 t1_it7d8io wrote

If someone gets shot in the leg five times , telling them to just ‘think positively’ is highly dismissive of the actual pain they are in. There’s a process to healing and it takes time. The worst thing you can do is rush that process.

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nxdark t1_it7plg5 wrote

The solution is the only thing that matters. The grieving is just a waste of time and energy. The sooner you find a solution the sooner the problem over.

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joleme t1_it8nxhj wrote

Really hope you're not a counselor.

Hey you, I know you just got diagnosed with cancer and have 2 weeks to live, and your 3 young kids won't have a father anymore, but stop grieving it's a waste of time.

If you can't see how stupid you look with that attitude then you can't be helped. Grieving is a natural part of human existence.

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StudlyCurmudgeon t1_it8we8x wrote

Natural, sure, but I don't feel the OP is saying that you're unnatural for grieving. The point is, if you "wallow" for days/weeks/months after a cancer diagnosis, your kids now have to deal with an "absent" parent even before the potentially inevitable death, but then they still have a parent with terminal cancer either way. It's heaping more misery onto an already shitty situation.

The key here is to be understanding of those that do "wallow", while also recognizing that acceptance is a very important first step to an inevitability. Prolonging denial or grief is never great, and is almost always somewhat selfish. Again, very human, but definitely has negative consequences to both you and your loved ones.

Just my two doges.

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BryKKan t1_it8rgbq wrote

Are you going to come help me solve it? Or is it all just preaching and no consideration of problems more serious than you can "solve" alone?

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nxdark t1_it90ksd wrote

I normally come up with solutions to those problems. If I don't have a solution there is no point in me engaging in that conversation.

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BryKKan t1_it977gr wrote

I didn't ask you to intellectually determine the solution. I know the solution. I asked if you were going to come over here and help do the work of implementing it.

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nxdark t1_it9b57o wrote

Why would I do that? I don't know you and have zero investment in you either. So the only thing I have to offer for free is an intellectual solution to your problems to stop your wasteful feelings.

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BryKKan t1_it9c2o5 wrote

Why would you have any justification for judging my actions, much less my feelings if you aren't contributing to the solution yourself?

Why should we see you as anything other than toxic for presuming to so judge?

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nxdark t1_it9code wrote

Because my contribution is the intellectual solution because that is what you need to move past your emotions that are controlling you. The emotion and feelings you have are your worse enemy.

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BryKKan t1_it9cyh8 wrote

That's disturbing in so many ways.

No. Other people can find solutions too. Sometimes it's not possible to make the required changes alone. Your contribution is nil, because you're not offering anything of positive value. Just telling people their emotions are getting in the way is irrational and unhelpful.

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