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2talltyus42 t1_j23wf0n wrote

Reply to comment by TobyDaMan8894 in [Image] Curiosity Is Essential for the Future by john1108hr

As a therapist myself, that is what I tell my clients as well. It is amazing hearing how many people feel obligated to spend time with family. No one is obligated for your sanity and your time! Your time and sanity is so limited. Spend it with those who celebrate you, not tolerate.

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crsdrjct t1_j24ocym wrote

Legitimate question, how do you discern the line for this kind of thing?

I'm sure people can take this to the extreme and just not attend any family function but isn't there a point where it becomes either a selfish or indulgent decision. Showing up for your family or people you care about is still important isn't it.

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AdventurousSeaSlug t1_j2514nn wrote

My advise would be this: You do not owe anyone a pass on unacceptable behavior merely because you happen to has some genetic connections. You do not have any obligations to them just because you are related.

However, all actions have consequences and belonging to a community will eventually most likely lead to you sacrificing and doing something that you wouldn't be your first choice of actions because you know that it will make the person you love happy.

How do you know when to say when? Think about A) your mental health and well-being and B) the possible long term consequences.

Let me give an example: I have a sibling who is not in my life. They were removed because I noticed that every single interaction with them made me feel upset, angry, sad, frustrated, and deeply unhappy. They literally added nothing positive to my experience. I was not wiser, no more compassionate, not more loving, not more insightful for knowing them. I could not think of one positive way in which either of us enriched the other's life. So I made the decision to cut ties. Best decision that I ever made. What are the possible consequences? I don't see them and talk to them but I have other people that I fulfill my need to socialize. They are very smart but I find my need for intellectual stimulation on my own. I'm given to believe that family is who you turn to in times of duress. What if I lose my job? Well I can take care of myself and quite honestly I'd rather go to a shelter before I ever asked this person for help. So honestly, there's no circumstance in which I can see myself ever regretting my decision to cut them out of my life. Five years on and every day I confirm that I e made the correct decision. I'm happier and have much more peace. As to their happiness with this situation? Well that's not my concern or problem. If they have any issues, that's for them to resolve and learn from.

Edit: I like to be a positive person so let's look at the other end - being part of a community. I have social anxiety. It sucks. It can be so hard for me to go do things in a group no matter how much I love the people in the group. I force myself to participate because I know that eventually I'll be lonely and if I want people to meet my needs when I'm down, that means doing my best to meet their needs when it's hard for me. So I go out occasionally and you know what? It's fun once I'm there. I have a nice time and then I go home.

I look at it like nurturing a garden. You invest the love and the time to build your garden (a community) and eventually your garden is something that many people enjoy and get returns from. But it's not always easy, and in the moment it can be hard to put your needs aside for the greater good and the long-term goal of building something greater than yourself.

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CaptainAsshat t1_j25psmk wrote

>You do not have any obligations to them just because you are related.

I hear this a lot, and every time, I think it is missing something that causes it to contradict my (and others') lived experiences. Because we DO have obligations to our family just because we are related. The obligations are handed down through laws, social expectations, family tradition, religion, etc. We can choose to ignore these prescribed obligations, but that doesn't mean we aren't reminded of them.

Imho, the point should instead be that our obligations to ourselves and our well-being should usually take precedence over our obligations to our family. And our obligations to a family member can be annulled, at our discretion, through that family member's unacceptable behavior (and failing their obligations toward us).

To me, this is important as that inherent familial "obligation" built into our culture is also a source of great comfort and community for many people. In these uncertain times, knowing your family will be there for you is a source of security to many of those in precarious positions. In this, it's not very different than the obligations we have toward all fellow human beings: do not take them lightly, but do not consider them irrevocable if your well-being is at stake.

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xxxxxxyyy t1_j25cgcy wrote

For some, I’d imagine they stop going & then realize that their family isn’t actually the source of their unhappiness.

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AdventurousSeaSlug t1_j25eb3i wrote

That's entirely possible. This really does require self-reflection and humility. It's important to be self-aware of your state of mind, and to think critically about why you might feel that way.

I certainly have. For me, if I'm being totally honest, I have a tendency towards depression. I've had a hard life and it's taken a toll. If I don't work at it, I can very easily fall into depression. So I've had to think long and hard about what makes me happy, what makes me unhappy, is my mood at the moment being impacted by internal or external forces.

There are times where my bad mood isn't about anyone else but me. There are also times when I can feel my inner reserves being sucked dry by the person in the room. You need to be willing to look at yours as a whole, which is definitely challenging for some people.

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Brself t1_j24qadb wrote

This was my greatest take away from therapy. I’m currently on a therapy break, but I went to therapy for 4 years, initially due to some uncontrollable anxiety that was turning into a panic disorder. As the therapist pealed back layer after layer, aside from work burn out, I also had a lot of repressed feelings toward my parents. I was aware somewhat of my feelings toward my emotionally abusive mom, but my feelings toward my dad actually surprised me. I had put him on a pedestal for years because he was better in comparison compared to my mom, but in reality, he was emotionally neglectful, self absorbed into his relationships with his girlfriends/wives, and discouraged my dreams and ambitions with his apathy and attitude of “why try”.

I recently hit a breaking point with him, in that he was trying to not only subject me to his abusive wife’s abuse and manipulation, but also to have me go out of my way to praise her. They expected me to just drop off my 1 year old son at their house for them to “watch”, even though my dad basically ignores him when he’s around and my step mom is terrible with kids and is always heavily drugged out on sleeping pills.

I ended up having numerous in-person conversations with him about it, which he ignored. Sensing his complete departure from reality, I wrote him a long email spelling out all my feelings in detail. Unfortunately, he is still delusional and thinks I just need to sit down with his wife and a therapist to “hash out our differences”. I told him he married her, not me and I have no obligation to have a relationship with her. I’m 40 years old, and met her when I was about 30. It’s not like she raised me or had any real involvement in my life.

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