They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

Submitted by bigwolf29 t3_11chvhi in Jokes

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. The General is 76 inches tall, so he gets $760,000.

Then an Admiral takes up the offer and has the doctor measure from the bottom of his left foot all the way up and around the top of his head to the bottom of his right foot. This ends up being 136 inches, so he gets $1,360,000.

Then a Marine General takes the offer and he asks the doctor to measure from the tip of his penis to his balls. The doctor asks him, "Are you sure? I can measure anywhere else..." But the General insists, so the doctor tells him to drop 'em.

But after the General drops 'em, the doctor says, "Wait, where are your balls?" The General replies, "Oh, they're somewhere in Vietnam."

4,800

Comments

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Phoenixjt041 t1_ja32tpl wrote

Banks hate him!

See how he earns money in one simple trick!

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FactoryBuilder t1_ja35im4 wrote

Why does the Admiral get to measure between three points? Left foot, top of the head, right foot.

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TVotte t1_ja36v8m wrote

Here and I thought this was going to be an ass to mouth joke

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SYLOH t1_ja3s1au wrote

The Air Force General re-defines an infra-red photon emitted by his skin shortly after his 1st year birthday as part of his body.
Statistically at least one was released out into space.
Meaning it is <age - 1> lightyears away.
The precendent was set by the Marine gaining from a lost body part.

Air Force people are more techies/lawyers than soldiers.

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mrSunshine-_ t1_ja3xe0h wrote

What kind of injury means leaving your balls in Vietnam. So sad.

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BertzReynolds t1_ja41h1y wrote

I know this is a joke, but they really do have way too many.

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Erock482 t1_ja4auqb wrote

From the Pentagon to Vietnam is about 8,758 miles

Which is 554,906,880 inches

Which would be $5,549,068,800,000

Which would put our Marine in 3rd place in terms of countries GDP, ahead of Japan and Behind China

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WeNeedToTalkAboutMe t1_ja4fyl6 wrote

Replying to eatenbyalion (#2,032,135)

Tangent, but it's always annoyed me how they measure 'reach' in combat sports (boxing, MMA).

Let's say a fighter has an...80 inch reach. Now as I understand it, that measurement is with their arms outstretched, from the tip of one middle finger to the tip of the other.

But realistically, even if you have an 80 inch reach, if you're standing 80 inches away from me, you can't hit me. Because that's 80 inches divided between both arms and the torso. To me, it would make more sense to measure from the shoulder to the fingertips.

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InvisiblePhilosophy t1_ja4myg3 wrote

Replying to BertzReynolds (#2,029,988)

It’s a holdover from the Cold War and World War II, really.

In an all out war situation where we are drafting people, the generals will have many more people under each of their commands, so the proportion would look “correct”.

As is it with the number of people we have today, we are drastically overbalanced.

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InvisiblePhilosophy t1_ja4o8ut wrote

Replying to BertzReynolds (#2,033,841)

I’m right there with you.

The last report that I read said we could cut something like 25% of the generals and be fine.

Similar numbers for colonels and lieutenant colonels, less for major, and even less to none for captains and below.

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mossed2222 t1_ja4pjij wrote

> So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

Perfectly normal.

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HkayakH t1_ja4qh3o wrote

That Admiral is cheating. That's 3 points.

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BarkBeetleJuice t1_ja4sa2n wrote

The admiral is measured by three points, not two. Broke the rules.

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prindacerk t1_ja4vzg6 wrote

Replying to mrSunshine-_ (#2,029,249)

Banging all the prostitutes they came across probably gave them the diseases. Not to mention all the village rapes that happened during Vietnam war and the American fathered children left behind when USA left Vietnam.

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avahz t1_ja4ws5k wrote

A classic repost

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marcocanb t1_ja4wsx9 wrote

Picture 160 Generals running Ft Drum. That's Canada.

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mazerakham_ t1_ja560r3 wrote

Using his penis was entirely unnecessary, but all the same, I condone the decision.

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Koopicoolest t1_ja5cmt6 wrote

I'd say the start of my oesophagus to my anus, internally. Something something football field

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GreatNobody007 t1_ja5gotw wrote

I'll Will end it like this: general what's the distance. -5 inches, so that is 5,000 dolars. -yes but I make a Bet of 1000 dolars to all soldiier In this platoon that the general Will be touching My balls and penis before I retire xD

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MyLifeisTangled t1_ja5l6sh wrote

Replying to eatenbyalion (#2,032,135)

For most people, wingspan = height. That means you have an ape index of 0. Some people (like my grandmother) have a wingspan that is noticeably less than their height. That means you have short arms (negative ape index) and should choose to measure from head to toe for the most money. Other people (myself included) have a wingspan that is noticeably greater than their height. That means you have long arms (positive ape index) and should choose to measure from fingertip to fingertip for the most money. It means you M0NKEY

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MisterDecember t1_ja5p3lf wrote

Replying to bigwolf29 (#2,034,676)

For the non Americans, USMC stands for Uncoupled Scrotum Missing in Combat.

MCRDSD is the Museum of Chopped, Removed and Detached Scrotum on Display. It’s a great museum. Wonderful exhibits but everything smells of formaldehyde.

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ansolo00 t1_ja5pcoj wrote

But wouldnt his eyeballs be the next point to measure to?

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wolfie379 t1_ja5s4j5 wrote

At least they weren’t involved in the infamous Reddenbacher Incident.

A large hyperbaric chamber was built to test the mental performance of personnel under high atmospheric pressure. O-5s and O-6s were performing mentally taxing tasks as the chamber’s pressure was slowly increased to the equivalent of a depth of 600 feet. Unfortunately, the contractor wasn’t told the rank of the people who would be using the chamber, so it was built to the standards of equipment intended for use by lower enlisted.

The door latch failed, the door flew open, and the chamber underwent explosive decompression. Almost every Colonel popped.

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sto_brohammed t1_ja5tb7m wrote

It's a joke but there are more generals now than there were in WW2 when the military was much, much larger.

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MyLifeisTangled t1_ja5zzy6 wrote

Replying to Jbwood (#2,041,875)

My fiancé is over 6ft and I’m like 5’5” - 5’5.5”

I always say I’m an “Honorary Tall Person” bc I can reach stuff on high shelves that my grandma can’t. Then he touches the ceiling with both his feet flat on the floor and we both say “fuck you” and/or flip him off lol

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Carb-BasedLifeform t1_ja62h15 wrote

I think in this scenario I'd say the distance between both ends of my digestive system... aren't there like 27 feet of intestines?

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emzirek t1_ja65089 wrote

TIL admiral means general in the Navy

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TnBluesman t1_ja65mg5 wrote

Fuck. In. FABulous. Thanks for that.

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Onifon t1_ja6ejvw wrote

Replying to Erock482 (#2,031,695)

They would have to go to Vietnam, find his balls, bring them back to verify, and then measure the distance. It really would only be a few rooms over or the next lab over. That is if the balls were still in tact enough to verify. Otherwise it’s dick to lack of balls which would make the monetary sum undefined and would not be payable. Knowing the government and how they treat some of our vets, they would just claim that the exact location of his balls cannot be confirmed and deny his compensation all together. The marine thought he was being smart but he just screwed himself.

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RecalcitrantHuman t1_ja6jlnd wrote

On their body. Not off their body. Too easy. I’ll settle for 20%

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Sander08481 t1_ja6lkb1 wrote

I would do from my mouth to my anus but through the digestive system if possible

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Tkainzero t1_ja6m3oj wrote

"where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body "

The balls are not "on their body"

No money awarded. Case closed

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headloser t1_ja6r95f wrote

For a second, i thought you were talking about all the Russian Generals that Russia keep losing in the war.

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skordge t1_ja6ykli wrote

I heard a version of the same joke with a Jewish salesman trying to buy cabling for the telephone company he represents.

"I asked them, how much cable does $5 buy me? They say - for five bucks, you can have a length of cable from the tip of your nose to the tip of your dick. Little did they know - I left my foreskin at a synagogue back in Odessa!"

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Illusi t1_ja7lfks wrote

Replying to Erock482 (#2,031,695)

An overestimate though. That is about the distance following the Earth's surface. But in 3D the distance is smaller.

The 3D distance, piercing through the Earth, is actually about 6973 miles, or 417,876,814 inches.

This is obtained by taking the geo-coordinates of the Pentagon (38.87091,-77.05588) and around the middle of Vietnam (17.5938,106.4014). Take those angles into the trigonometric functions gives us 3D coordinates around the unit sphere for the Pentagon (0.174398369,−0.758777835,0.62756785) and Vietnam (−0.269156822,0.914433935,0.302266744). With Pythagoras, the distance between those is 1,761306232. Multiply this by the mean radius of the Earth (3958.8 miles) for an approximation of the 3D distance: 6973 miles.

417,876,814 inches would give this general $4,178,768,140,000. That's in 4th place in terms of nominal GDP, between Japan and Germany.

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A_Beautiful_Brain t1_ja7qvjp wrote

You could expand in this and say goes in long hard and dry comes out soft wet and shriveled up - answer still gum most traditional gum is long and flat and the details make it seem even more like the other answer

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ToastyWarmHamster t1_ja9vm2o wrote

“Somewhere in Vietnam”. I can tell you if my balls became detached from my body I could tell you where that happened within precision of Latitude and longitude 20°25'N 105°09'E

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