"By far, the country's biggest recorded killer is 39 year old Ebunike Mchala Mgarbe, weighing in at a whopping 489 lbs (240 kilograms) and 6'4" (192 centimeters), making a crane-based cage match the scientists' ideal way of fighting the Malawian murderer and habitual arsonist.

One scientist is quoted saying: "our first design for the fight was built on the notion that he would be slow given his size, but after seeing footage of him chasing down a zebra and biting it's head off our initial plan of standing on each other's shoulders to gain size, reach, and intimidation factor, like in beach volley, required immediate revision and redesign" he remarked just prior to ripping a sleeve off of his labcoat to use it as a bandana."

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