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FyeNite t1_j9l8icu wrote

#Perfect Storm

The day is anything but calm outside my earthen hall

The inferno swirls around me like a gargantuan w wall

The searing fire licks at the cracking mud bricks

Treating my life as if it were a pile of tinder sticks

A maelstrom of ice and sleet rains down from the sky

Launching its watery offensive intent on my demise

Barbed icicles pierce down inches from my head

Bathing my small home in a sea of crimson red

Winds whip about me and rattle my lights

Superheated by the inferno with icy bites

My walls crumble beneath its blistering strike

Entering my bones and cutting through like a pike

A perfect storm raging outside my mind

Defended by nothing but meagre mud grind

It may be small and it may not be much

But it's all made better with chocolate and such

WC: 142

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Tomorrow_Is_Today1 t1_jaanaff wrote

Great pome, Fye! Glad you joined us :D. This has excellent vivid imagery and lovely flow. A few bits of crit:

>The inferno swirls around me like a gargantuan w wall

Repeated "w" there.

>A perfect storm raging outside my mind

Defended by nothing but meagre mud grind

It may be small and it may not be much

But it's all made better with chocolate and such

I love the shift in focus here, but I feel the ending itself is a bit sudden. You spend a whole poem describing this raging inferno, and then jump to "it's all made better with chocolate and such". And that doesn't mean you can't end it that way, but I'd like a bit more along with it or perhaps just a more serious tone than the somewhat dismissive "chocolate and such".

Good words!

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