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The purpose of dating is to see if you’re a good fit, not to pick up a project and try to change someone.

Your partner has no business even being in a relationship at this time. They need to be working with a therapist and their doctor and focusing on themselves.

I would recommend that you end things and be one less thing for him to have to worry about while he tackles his mental health—especially given how it’s impacting you.

He's not a project car. You either accept him for who he is, or move on. What is sleep hygiene??

If you knew that none of the stuff that bothers you about him was going to change, would you be excited about spending your life with him?

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I'm not viewing this as a project to try to change him, but I do want to help him grow. He does not have a lot of support in his life and I'm trying to offer him that support. He also didn't/doesn't have much guidance and I am hoping to help with that. He has dreams but hasn't been taught how to be an adult and how to chase those dreams.

He doesn't have a therapist - he had a bad experience with one when he was young. That's something we've discussed a couple of times. I think he will come around to the idea, but it's not a current situation.

This is the first time this has really started impacting me. There have been some bigger life changes recently and I think that may be why. We have a very open communication, so I feel comfortable bringing this up, I just want to make sure I don't come across as judgemental or shaming.

He doesn’t have a therapist, he’s doing nothing to help himself, and you want to take it upon yourself to “help” him. That’s a project. And as you’re not a medical professional nor a therapist, I think it’s kind of an inflated sense of self to think you can fix this.

He’s an adult. I really don’t understand why you’d stick around for this.

You're right, he's not a project car. But he is a human being who deserves support and someone who will help him learn the hard things. He doesn't really get that anywhere else right now.

Sleep hygiene is how you handle your sleep. It can be really important when you have insomnia. It's things like having a set sleep schedule, staying off of electronics right before bed, and having a wind down routine. If you have good sleep hygiene, then you tend to have better sleep. If you're still suffering from insomnia, then you can go to your doc about it and it helps because you've already done most of the things they're going to suggest you try first.

I'm not sure. I love him deeply and I feel safe and cared for with him. He makes me very happy. It's only been relatively recently that this has really started to bother me and I think it's because of some life changes that have recently occurred.

I know he has the propensity to change (given other things he has told me about and that I've seen), it's just hard, especially given his depression.

I've done the things you listed and still have insomnia. The only thing that helps me is over the counter sleep pills. You can't help someone who doesn't help themselves. It is 100% my responsibility to handle my anxiety and depression. I have to make the effort to do the things that keep me from falling in to the pit of darkness. It is not my husband's responsibility to constantly pull me out of it deadweight and all.

You can lay things out as you have here. But prepare yourself for the possibility that he's not willing to make any of these changes.

That's why I took notes last night. I want to make sure I say all that has been rattling around in my head and not forget something. But I also want to hear his side and have a conversation. Then if he isn't willing to even try, I can evaluate. But I want to make sure I'm approaching it with kindness and not making it a "you are wrong" kind of conversation. That doesn't help anyone, myself included.

That's what I mean, if that doesn't work, then you can get something like a prescription or OTC sleep medication.

He doesn't expect me to do any of that, but I would like to be able to help him. I don't want to just stand to the side and let him wallow when there are steps we can take together to make his wallowing a bit less deep.

That's what therapists are for.

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i made posts like this 4 years ago when i started dating my (now) fiancée. i wanted to help her make any changes that would help with any of her symptoms of depression. i got the same advice you're seeing here.

we're still going strong because I put myself in therapy, so that I could do everything in my power to help MYSELF. cause that's the only thing i can control. it seems to have boiled down to "i accept her for everything she is/does" and i work on myself, so i can be supportive, no matter what.

I'm definitely working on getting myself into therapy as well because I know I'm also not perfect. It's just so expensive and there aren't a ton of resources near us. But I appreciate your perspective, especially from lived experience.