sarusagi t1_ja83gw8 wrote on February 27, 2023 at 3:30 PM

Reply to comment by Puzzleheaded-Face-69 in Should I 22f ask my bf 23m to change or dump him? by Puzzleheaded-Face-69

If it's a case that you've had this conversation multiple times before then my response is a little different.

Fact is, people only change if they themselves see a need to change. From the looks of things, you bringing it to his attention makes him take action, but then after a while he feels like he's done enough and then goes back to what he usually does because THAT'S what feels natural to him.

A sad thing we have to accept sometimes is that we sometimes don't gel with people as well as we want to. If this is something that you've been feeling long term and that even after talking about it not much changes for long then maybe this isn't the relationship you'll find your forever happiness in.

However, if you do end up deciding to leave him over the fact you two feel incompatible in your need to feel loved and cared for enough on a consistent basis, don't do so with running to your ex as your back-up plan because unless you guys stayed BFFs after breaking up, who knows where he is in his life right now mentally and relationship-wise, or if he's moved on himself. Consider if you'd be okay with the option of being alone until you find someone you feel loves you need in order to flourish, so you don't end up heartbroken if it doesn't end up with a happily ever after like Disney.

Puzzleheaded-Face-69 OP t1_ja83ygr wrote on February 27, 2023 at 3:33 PM

Recently I posted online about my new opinions and leaving the church and my ex re-asked me to marry him, maybe I should’ve included that in the post but I wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of leaving my current bf at all if that hadn’t happened.

sarusagi t1_ja86glp wrote on February 27, 2023 at 3:50 PM

Ah, I see.

Yeah, that's some pretty important info and I get why you're feeling conflicted rn.

Honestly? I learned later in life that actions speak a lot louder than words. My partner isn't much of a PDA or super lovey dovey type but I learned to notice that he shows his love by making sure we have everything you need and/or bringing me treats I like home when he's at the supermarket when I'm feeling low.

I know he doesn't make you feel loved enough (I guess in the conventional way) but does your current bf do things which show that he's thinking of or being considerate of you? Because small gestures and actions like that are also a form of love/affection.

But now I do think that if you do talk to him about this stuff that you're actually a bit more clear on how the lack of whatever it is you need is actually starting to feel like a deal breaker for you cause it's always good to start with then it goes back to how it was before, and that's not a cycle you want to be in where you have to regularly remind him to be affectionate.

I want you to avoid mentioning your ex for the reasons I said earlier and because it'll seem like you're already half packed and just looking to blow things up for an excuse to leave.

But if you're really feeling starved of what you need from a partner to feel happy, and changes on his part don't feel like they stick even when you talk about it, then I would actually say it's fair for you to consider whether this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with (as I assume marriage is one of your life/relationship goals) as if he's not willing to do his part to take your feelings and needs into account now, they're not suddenly going to get better the longer you stay.