Should I 22f ask my bf 23m to change or dump him?

Submitted by Puzzleheaded-Face-69 t3_11ddkcn in relationship_advice

I was previously engaged and it didn’t work out because I was a Mormon and he was not. However my new/current bf helped me realize the church was BS and I ended up leaving it. Since then I have thought about my ex because all of the reasons we split don’t exist anymore so now we would be compatible and happy. I love my bf so so much and in nearly every way he is just as good as my ex, the only difference is he is not as good at making me ~feel~ loved, idk who loves me more but I felt so so loved with my ex and in my current relationship I sometimes feel ignored, rejected and lonely. I don’t think it’s fair to just dump my bf without explaining my concerns and giving him a chance to do better (I have specific, measurable things I can give him to do) but idk if it would be mean or horrible to essentially tell him if he can’t be more like my ex then I’ll leave him. But if he were struggling with these thoughts and feelings I would want as much info as possible, I don’t want him to feel deceived

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sarusagi t1_ja81w1r wrote

Here's one thing about relationships and partners: except in a few cases where couples have been together a REALLY long time. The other person isn't going to be a mind reader and know what you need. Also, not everyone has the same kind of love language or need for intimacy so if you've never mentioned to your boyfriend that you'd like him to make more efforts before, it seems a little unfair to just assume he's not good enough or as good as your ex.

Relationships, especially as you get on in life take a LOT of communication about really boring things like bills or finances, to embarrassing things like in the bedroom or medical stuff.

You can talk to your boyfriend about how you'd like him to make more effort to make you feel loved without talking about your ex or comparing him. I can guarantee you that discussing your ex in such a way will turn him off regardless of if he'd like to make an effort for you or not as it'd be clear that you're not over him and/or actively thinking about/missing him.

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Puzzleheaded-Face-69 OP t1_ja82az1 wrote

You’re right, the conversation shouldn’t be about my ex it should be about how I want to be loved. I’m just worried it won’t work because it’s a conversation we have had many times about him loving me but I just don’t feel it, love languages etc, he does better for a week then goes back…

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sarusagi t1_ja83gw8 wrote

If it's a case that you've had this conversation multiple times before then my response is a little different.

Fact is, people only change if they themselves see a need to change. From the looks of things, you bringing it to his attention makes him take action, but then after a while he feels like he's done enough and then goes back to what he usually does because THAT'S what feels natural to him.

A sad thing we have to accept sometimes is that we sometimes don't gel with people as well as we want to. If this is something that you've been feeling long term and that even after talking about it not much changes for long then maybe this isn't the relationship you'll find your forever happiness in.

However, if you do end up deciding to leave him over the fact you two feel incompatible in your need to feel loved and cared for enough on a consistent basis, don't do so with running to your ex as your back-up plan because unless you guys stayed BFFs after breaking up, who knows where he is in his life right now mentally and relationship-wise, or if he's moved on himself. Consider if you'd be okay with the option of being alone until you find someone you feel loves you need in order to flourish, so you don't end up heartbroken if it doesn't end up with a happily ever after like Disney.

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Puzzleheaded-Face-69 OP t1_ja83ygr wrote

Recently I posted online about my new opinions and leaving the church and my ex re-asked me to marry him, maybe I should’ve included that in the post but I wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of leaving my current bf at all if that hadn’t happened.

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sarusagi t1_ja86glp wrote

Ah, I see.

Yeah, that's some pretty important info and I get why you're feeling conflicted rn.

Honestly? I learned later in life that actions speak a lot louder than words. My partner isn't much of a PDA or super lovey dovey type but I learned to notice that he shows his love by making sure we have everything you need and/or bringing me treats I like home when he's at the supermarket when I'm feeling low.

I know he doesn't make you feel loved enough (I guess in the conventional way) but does your current bf do things which show that he's thinking of or being considerate of you? Because small gestures and actions like that are also a form of love/affection.

But now I do think that if you do talk to him about this stuff that you're actually a bit more clear on how the lack of whatever it is you need is actually starting to feel like a deal breaker for you cause it's always good to start with then it goes back to how it was before, and that's not a cycle you want to be in where you have to regularly remind him to be affectionate.

I want you to avoid mentioning your ex for the reasons I said earlier and because it'll seem like you're already half packed and just looking to blow things up for an excuse to leave.

But if you're really feeling starved of what you need from a partner to feel happy, and changes on his part don't feel like they stick even when you talk about it, then I would actually say it's fair for you to consider whether this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with (as I assume marriage is one of your life/relationship goals) as if he's not willing to do his part to take your feelings and needs into account now, they're not suddenly going to get better the longer you stay.

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MX-Nacho t1_ja83037 wrote

Let me get this straight:

  1. BF1 dumped you because you weren't good enough.
  2. BF2 improved you.
  3. You want to dump the guy who improved you to be with the one who dumped you.

Do you realize how trashy this is?

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Puzzleheaded-Face-69 OP t1_ja83ky8 wrote

I dumped my ex fiancé because of my religious indoctrination. It tore me apart that my church leaders wouldn’t allow me to be with who I loved. I started my deprogramming on my own but was still morally against marijuana, my current bf changed my mind on marijuana… I agree that that’s an improvement I just think your comment just seems reductionist

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MX-Nacho t1_ja863h6 wrote

It was meant to be reductionist. And made you cough up circumstances that you hadn't (like who dumped whom).

Well, if I was BF2, I would feel used by you if you dumped me just to go for your ex, and if I was your ex and found out about everything, I would still feel weird. One way or another, you should break up with BF2, as it is unfair on him if you just keep comparing him to another guy. Then check if BF1 is available.

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Soul_Traitor t1_ja89gk6 wrote

Too many changes in your life. You need to figure your shit out before jumping into any relationship.

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bleep-bloop-meep t1_ja9374q wrote

How you look at exBF1 might be colored by nostalgia glasses, careful.

If you're gonna leave your current one, do it for yourself, not for your ex.

Imo do have a talk though and don't just disappear. It's always important to communicate just in case

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