Submitted by Pr3ttyReckl3ss t3_115b73t in relationship_advice
Second update: Thank you to all for the advice and hard truths. Yes, I am aware his drinking is an issue. I will not deny that whatsoever. I guess in the moment I was just heated and came here for advice on this one particular situation without realizing the bigger picture here. Me and him will be having a conversation about his drinking.
Update: he doesn’t remember any of this.
TW: brief mentions of S.A
Hey guys. Using a throwaway for obvious reasons + boyfriend knows my main account.
Basically, me (21F) and my boyfriend (22m) have been dating for a while now and are living together (since Christmas). Our relationship is absolutely wonderful, the healthiest I’ve ever had. We have yet to have a fight, as all of our disagreements are communicated. We love each other to death.
However, the one thing that’s slightly bugged me is his drinking. He was way worse when we started dating though. Like, drinking almost every day, and getting very drunk on weekends. A lot of the time to the point where he’d throw up and pass out on the bathroom floor. Like I said, he’s gotten a LOT better. He now only goes out with me or friends and drinks on weekends; sometimes he doesn’t even drink. Yet, the times where he does drink he can take it a little too far, including tonight. He just got home from drinking with some friends about an hour or two ago, which is fine no problem.
But he’s DRUNK drunk. Like, threw up and could barely make it to his own bed. Since he could barely make it to his bed, I decided to help him there. Now, he has work in like 8 hours, and he has a bad habit of falling asleep drunk with jeans and other uncomfortable clothing on. So, I asked him if he wanted to take his jeans off to be more comfortable (as they had his wallet and such in them). He agreed and started to take them off himself, but clearly was too drunk to do so, so I offered to gently help him, which he didn’t decline.
I started to help him undo his jeans so I could put them away and give him blankets and help him slide them off and he immediately told me not to, and stated seriously that I was “rapey” and he didn’t consent. Note that none of this interaction was sexual whatsoever. I was taken aback. He knows I would NEVER do anything like that. I have been SA’d and just wanted to offer my help since he’s drunk. I have no knowledge of him being SA’d in the past. I immediately stopped what I was doing, got up and just left him alone. He fell asleep right after.
I am HUGE on consent, which is why I even asked him in the first place. He never says stuff like this unless he’s as drunk as he is tonight. Not like this has happened before, but he has a tendency to say things he doesn’t remember/didn’t mean in the morning.
So clearly I’m upset because I never want my boyfriend to think I’d do something like that. I just want advice on how to move forward with this. Do I leave it be, or talk to him in the morning about it?
Edited to add; I have helped him take his clothes off to sleep while he was very drunk before with his permission.
TL;DR: very drunk boyfriend called me rapey and said he didn’t consent after I offered to help him take his jeans off so he could sleep