Submitted by troubledyouth15 t3_1177c7u in relationship_advice
I really don't know what to do anymore. I am heartbroken and confused.
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For some background, my fiancé gets these episodes where he becomes angry/moody. During these episodes he says things he doesn't mean and sometimes ends up hurting himself. Yesterday was his birthday I thought we had a good day, but late at night he suddenly went into an episode and was very upset. I have experienced so many of these at this point, but I still am not used to them. At first I tried to remain calm and not engage, since he told me during these times it's like he's a different version of himself and that engaging makes it worse. But he kept trying to communicate with me and I could tell he was sad, so I tried to comfort him gently. But at this point, nothing was going to make this episode better.
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I thought we made up because we both went to sleep, but when I woke up this morning he was the same. I asked him if he was ok and if his episode had ended and he said he was leaving for his dad's. I asked him if he was coming back, and he said he doesn't know. I then screamed and started crying. I cried all last night too. I can't stand the tension and insanity of it all. Like I know he's in an episode, but it is still hard to experience. Comforting him hardly work because he doesn't want me to touch him.
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He got upset that I was crying again and said he can't deal with this and that he's leaving. He said he wants to end the engagement. He said I could have everything in the apartment. He said he was not coming back. I pleaded with him to stay and then he stood there and stared at me. I tried talking to him with little response. He acted exasperated. I asked him if he loved me and he said he doesn't know. Before he left, he said he would come back, but I don't know at this point.
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If a friend told me this, I would be appalled. But I know that he says things he doesn't mean. Like not too long ago he had an episode at work and almost quit his job.
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These episodes have been extremely hard on me and I'm starting to have panic attacks every time he has one. He hadn't had one for weeks, but now he has had one again. I want to get him a therapist, but there is wait lists for all of them.
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I'm worried about him but at the same time I'm so angry. Episode or not he should never threaten to leave me. When his episode is over he will probably come back and apologize, but I don't know what to fucking do anymore. Like how can I just take the apology as if nothing happened when he literally just smashed my heart into pieces. I am so happy with him and enjoy his company, but these episodes are getting out of control. He was working on ways to get himself out of them, but last night that did not happen. And it was his worst episode yet as far as what he said, because he has never said those things to me before.
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And at the same time, I wonder if I am just not putting in enough work and if I should seriously think about what I've done and how to apologize to him/make him feel loved.
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I guess what I am asking is, is if he comes back and apologizes what should I do? What steps can we take as a couple to make sure we never have this happen again? How much should I deal with before I'm just hurting myself?
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tldr:; fiancé says he wants to end our engagement during an episode where he often says things he doesn't mean, but the words this time are so hurtful that I don't think I can excuse this
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UPDATE:
I talked to him using a lot of points everyone here brought up. I can’t remember everything he said, but some major points are as follow:
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- He used to have two best friends, and I always thought they just grew apart. It turns out he had episodes in front of both of them and they abandoned him. He also had episodes in front of his ex-gfs and they ignored him. His narc father also berates him and tells him how awful he is when he has episodes in front of him. I’m the first person to give his episodes attention.
- He told me that telling me he wanted to end the engagement and end our relationship was because he sees the cycle we are in. He wanted to end the relationship for my well-being, but when he is worked up he cannot convey his thoughts properly which is why I thought he was just done with me because of something I did. He sees the pain I am going through and he wanted to end it. He apologized and wants to be with me now, but he knows he is pushing me away. He started crying thinking about it. He is a mess and I think he can tell how done I am with this shit.
- He said a lot of things about how he is trying to fix everything and he listed things he tries to do, but from my perspective he is severely mentally ill. He is basically a man that doesn’t know how to swim, but insists that he can learn while swimming in the middle in the ocean, while in reality he is drowning. He stubbornly thinks he can fix everything on his own but he cannot. He is struggling and suffering everyday and he has no idea that he can’t fix it. He honestly thinks he has this handled. He does not. I see that now. He needed help years ago. He is unable to see it.
- I am the only thing keeping this man together in whatever form he is currently in. I am the only person in his life, and thus I receive the brunt of the effects of his mental illness. This is very unhealthy.
He needs a psychiatrist. We live together and I am going to medical school right now so I really can’t upend my life further than I have. I understand everyone is telling me to get away, move out, etc, but that is not an option. I have a lease and a limited supply of funds for rent. Also, if I tell him to leave I send him straight back to his abuser. He is someone I love and care about so I don’t want to do that. I understand he is hurting me, so I am taking a step back emotionally. I cannot be invested in this cycle of pain anymore.
I want to help him get an appointment with a psychiatrist and see where he goes from there. If he does not improve and the episodes keep happening, I cannot stick around for my own mental health. This is absolutely ridiculous. Him seeing a psychiatrist and getting help is the last chance he is getting with me.
Others have mentioned the car incident. Yes, I have trauma from that. If he gets angry in the car I go into a full blown panic attack and start hitting myself. I didn’t mention this in my last post, but he also cheated on me 6 months into the relationship. At that point I probably should have left. I know everyone is telling me to leave, but obviously I have issues since I’m still here. I have self-respect, or at least I thought I did, but I fell for this man so hard and he makes me so happy that I have worked hard to keep this relationship afloat. But these episodes are making even the happy times feel like shit, and I need him to get help or I cannot go on anymore. I really can’t.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m sorry I am weak and cannot follow all of it. I will try my best to do what is right for me, while also seeing if I can support him while he gets professional help.