My [19F] boyfriend [24M] likes trans girls and I don’t know what to do

Submitted by [deleted] t3_126f3do in relationship_advice

My bf (24M) and I (19F) have been together for two and half years now, and friends for almost seven. We really love each other, and I’ve always considered him my best friend. A year and half ago, he moved from SC to NJ to be with me.

About a year ago, I found out he was using Tinder while we were together, and even caught him out on a date with another girl. He also has a history of cheating. At the time, I wasn’t ready to leave the relationship, so I stayed, and things got a lot better.

He completely changed as a person, became more aware of my needs and supportive, the best boyfriend ever for almost a year now with none of me catching him texting ex’s or on dating apps.

Today, I found out that he’s been looking at trans girls who have NSFW accounts on Reddit. His account is linked to an email that we share. He had a bunch of posts from one girl in particular in his saved. When I brought it up, I reminded him that I’m accepting of who he is no matter what, since I’m his best friend first. He still denied looking at anything even similar.

I don’t mind him watching porn in our relationship, and we’re very open about our sexuality. But I noticed we haven’t had sx in about two weeks (which is very unusual for us) and I’m almost positive it’s related to this issue. He doesn’t get causally turned on from me like he used to either (butt grabs, random compliments, etc). When I brought this up, he got really upset and said he didn’t understand why it made me cry. (We fcked for the first time in weeks tonight and he kept stopping to watch the show on the tv)

Lastly, about a month ago I noticed he was signed in to the throwaway accounts he was using to talk to other girls a year ago. He said he signed in by accident, but he had made a comment from one of the accounts. He said he’ll sign out and delete the accounts, but tonight I found out he’s still signed into the older one.

He’s says he feels fine about us sexually, and reassured me that “his heart is still with me” (maybe just his d*ck isn’t?). I believe him, since he writes me love letters and is always determined to make me happy. I don’t want to overreact to the situation, but I’m scared this is the first sign of him falling into old habits. What should I do?

TLDR; my bf with a history of cheating has been saving naked pics of trans girls, and I think it’s affecting our s*x life. We love each other very much, and live together, so I don’t want to overreact to the situation, but I also don’t want to get cheated on again. I’m not sure what to do.

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PastorBlinky t1_je8vwfv wrote

“My boyfriend has cheated in the past, and is almost certainly doing it again.” That’s all you needed to say. Doesn’t matter if Trans girls are involved, or anything else you said. Your boyfriend is allergic to being faithful to you. Don’t you deserve better? You’re looking for excuses because breakups are hard and you’ve invested a lot of time in this relationship. However, he’s investing his time seeing how many times he can make you look like a fool. Don’t play his games. Sexuality isn’t the issue here.

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[deleted] OP t1_je8wsws wrote

I really appreciate your honesty. You’re right, I think it’s hard for me to believe that he has malicious intentions when it’s seemed like he really loves me (talking about marriage, our future together, being with me forever etc). But I think this is a part of him he can’t get rid of, no matter how much he “loves” anyone.

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PastorBlinky t1_je8yrlo wrote

He may honestly want those things, AND he may want to chase every warm-blooded body he can find. Those two things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. Way too many red flags here. Lots of lies. Some people see life as something you should try and take as much as you can get away with, and they usually end up with givers who can't understand why their partner can't give back. You don't have to feel like you've been lied to all this time. He may have been genuine in his love for you, but clearly he also wants to do things outside the relationship that most people would consider deal breakers. He's too selfish to consider monogamy and putting your needs first. You're young and you'll find someone who will give you back everything you're able to give them.

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[deleted] OP t1_je9qkcb wrote

Wow, you said a lot of very power things. “Some people see life as something you should try and take as much as you can get away with”, that’s huge. It’s definitely been a theme I’ve noticed with him too. I love super hard, and sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize that things like this are genuine “dealbreakers” universally, and I’m not just being sensitive. I’m sure you can imagine I’ve experienced a good deal of gaslighting as well. Thank you for taking the time to help me out and sharing your mind.

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Skyistaken t1_je97k3k wrote

19F 24M Together for 2.5 years meaning yall were at best

17 and 22. Knew eachither for seven

So met at about 12 and 17. Wtf?

You were groomed by this man. He cheats on you repeatedly. This age gap. He doesn't love you he is using you. You are a victim. This is genuinely awful im so fucking sorry. This age gap is criminal. You need to fucking leave this is awful

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Ellie96S t1_je99sla wrote

As a trans woman, you deserve better than someone who cheats on you.

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