Should I (26F) call out a friend (26F) for having elaborate plans to “fix” and defend her new partner (27M) (who is problematic at baseline) and stopped speaking to me bc she claims my bf (28M) “doesnt like” her bf?

Submitted by Ohwell_genz t3_127uwgw in relationship_advice

TLDR: I have a close friend from undergrad (both she and I are 26F) who started dating (3 months but they met years ago) one of my acquaintances (they met through me, 27M lets call him John) and their relationship is now getting in the way of our friendship. She wears the pants and is doing really well in life/is so kind by nature and so smart, but when it comes to men is the most toxic thing ever. Maybe she has no idea what is going on but she has this elaborate plan to fix all of his red flags. She is more isolated since people do not wish to hang out with them together. Recently, I feel like she is mad me for not wanting to be associated with john so she is cold to me. I only hang out with her alone and john is always offended I do not open up my own plans/relationship/friends to them. Its a very odd assumption from john and I do not know if I should kindly mention to her or not that she cannot fix anyone/force friendships (john or anyone else) / I am amenable to hanging out every once in a while (to be polite)?

John, my friend and I went to the same university. John was friends with my roommates; I met him when I was 19. My friend met him when he was 25 or so through an event. He seemed fine in undergrad but post grad, is very political and argumentative and aggressively calls people out. He makes insensitive comments about anything/everything that is “different” from his white/privileged/educated self who surprisingly has been exposed to anything before. he is also insensitive about things that just makes me mad/uncomfortable (other cultures, women, those of different SES, food, religion, lifestyle, mental/physical ability, money, language, countries/travel). For a while, I thought it was maybe bc he didn’t know better but then realized that he was kind of just inappropriate. I dont associate anymore unless large group thing bc it makes me uncomfortable.

My friend is very liberal and very culturally aware. Before they started dating, she noticed theses things and heard stories and was alarmed. I told her to consider his commentary. She was alarmed but said she has to date him bc he makes sense/ is nice to her and has these plans to “fix him”. Like signing him up for travel points on credit card, making him hang out with her friends (who dont get along with him so then she complains that she has to force it), forcing hang outs, making a list of guys who she thinks he should reach out to to befriend and “have a group” (since he doesnt have many friends… I WONDER WHY). John told my friend he assumed my bf and I owed them our plans and a place in our social circle so I said sure we could plan something (out of being polite). She told me that she told john that my bf doesnt like him so that is the reason why we cannot hang out. Sure this is true (even though we have NEVER publicly said this), however, it’s much more than that. She is cold to me since. Unsure if it’s worth addressing.

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NoHandBananaNo t1_jegtcf1 wrote

You can't "fix" her any more than she can "fix" John. She's just got to learn the hard way.

I think all you can do is reiterate to her that you are her friend and you are there for her, no matter who she is dating. But set and keep your boundaries around John.

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