Submitted by DarkBlueFlame36 t3_1278hjk in relationship_advice
I'm in an endless cycle with my husband who has depression:
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he wants to talk to me about a rubbish situation or his feelings, which often make me feel uncomfortable because he has very strong feelings about things that I don't think deserve any emotional airtime.
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I very calmly suggest ways he can make his situation better or make himself feel better about things.
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he shuts all of my suggestions down.
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I get frustrated and throw more ideas at him.
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he rejects my ideas again and tells me that he just wants someone to listen.
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I get angry and tell him I was listening and he's basically setting me up for failure by complaining about feelings he's not willing to try and fix.
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he gets angry and tells me he just wanted someone to be there for him and that he can't talk to me any more.
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we don't speak for a day.
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the cycle repeats.
How can I make him see that me suggesting solutions to his problems IS me being there for him? That he is, in fact, being a massive AH for not being willing to improve his life? And that I'm trying my best to help him?
Example: it's 4am and he can't sleep. I ask him what he's done to help himself sleep. He says nothing. I say, ok, well let's get some lavender oil and a valerian tea and you might be able to drop off. He says I'm not listening to him and that he didn't ask for my help. I argue the toss that if he can't sleep and wants to, he needs to actually do something to make it happen. He says that I don't understand. I agree, I really really don't understand - so I go and make us both a valerian tea, put some lavender oil on his pillow and I go TF back to sleep.
How do I break this cycle and a) make him feel listened to and b) get him to actually do things to solve the problems he wants to talk to me about?
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