I have had a very difficult relationship with my father my entire life. He was more or less absentee, showing up when it was convenient and just buying my love. He lives in upstate New York, I have lived in Florida the majority of my life with my mother and grandmother, until I was forced to live on my own at 17. He would come visit during winter months and take me to the various theme parks and buy me whatever, as though that made up for being an active father.

From 18-28, we went through phases of me completely shutting him out, to me being guilt tripped into letting him back in my life. I now realize his gaslighting tactics and manipulation to gain access back to my life, always overstepping and disrespecting my boundaries which forces me to push him away. As the cycle goes.

When I was 29, I gave birth to my son with a man I completely fit with. We have a healthy, normal, supportive relationship. With the creation of my own family, I have filled the void that I’ve sought out, wishing my own father would be a dad and care about me. Everything is better than I could have ever imagined. I have a super awesome 19month old, he’s silly, smart, sweet and cute, and a great husband who completely accepts, supports, and understands me, as I do him. I now have the family I always wanted.

So now, more mature, no longer seeking validation from the toxic man that is my father, I’ve stopped playing his game. I am now completely indifferent to all his gaslighting tactics, ranging from pity, to abuse, to gift giving, all the typical examples, I am not unique in this experience.

Before becoming pregnant, there were multiple times my father would drive from New York to Florida on a whim, on random occasions I wouldn’t answer the phone (which, I rarely answer the phone, there are many occasions I go months-years without talking to him, but he just sometimes assumes that I’m in dire need of his help on some normal occurrences of me not answering the phone). He would also threaten to do a welfare checks on me if I didn’t call him back, which again, is a manipulative gaslighting tactic to force me to call him.

I give birth. He has zero interest in my son. I mentioned the erratic times he did just drive down the coast to establish how he will just come to Florida when it’s convenient for him. I guess meeting his grandson wasn’t important enough. (He works for himself as a contractor, owns the land he lives on, he makes his work schedule)

My son was born in the hot Florida summer during early August (not a desirable time to visit). It was mid February when he showed up unannounced at my apartment (February being an undesirable time of winter in upstate New York, cold and snowy and such).

He knocked on the door at 9pm, unannounced, unexpected, the last conversation we had, which was around Christmas, I stressed how he doesn’t respect my boundaries to which he responded “family doesn’t have boundaries”.

My husband opened the door, this was the first face-to-face meeting he had. My father let himself in, immediately saying “I hope this isn’t overstepping any BoUnDaRiEs”. (I’ve lived in the same apartment for years, including the past attempt of trying to have him in my life, my now husband moved in after this last past attempt because it’s a big apartment with reasonable rent, ideal for the time of having a baby before we buy a house, this is the only reason he knows my address).

This encounter went better than I expected, for me. I stayed calm, I stood my ground. Usually things end up in a screaming match between my father and I, but not this time. I could tell he was upset by my indifference. He visibly got upset to the fact that we already had an annual zoo pass, I’m sure he planned on buying us on in a manipulation attempt. As I spoke to him one-on-one, it was just a checklist of gaslighting tactics, which helped me stay calm in hindsight. Disregarding and downplaying my feelings and concerns. Temper-tantrum. Ignoring and denying past events. Questioning my reality. Seeking pity. Guilt tripping. Gift giving as a last attempt. Literally, just textbook examples of gaslighting.

I stood my ground. I said he could not stay with us. If he wanted to go to the zoo the following day he could meet me at a time and we could use my guest pass that comes with the zoo-pass I already own.

He left like a puppy with his tail between his legs. Didn’t hear from him the remainder of the time he was in Florida.

That was mid February. He just sent a package including a potty-training toilet seat (the exact same one he sent when my son was 4 months old, way too early for potty training, and during his unannounced visit he saw that we have a tiny potty, more appropriate for potty training, as the seat he sent is more suitable for once the child is comfortable with using the tiny potty and shifting to the actual toilet).

Within this package was a “get-well-soon” card. And all that was written was “in regards to our last meeting”, the inside card print reading get well soon, and the closing from my father “I don’t think anything else needs to be said”.

This is where my advice is needed. I want to send a letter, including a website printout of narcissistic gaslighting tactics, highlighting the specific examples that my father is guilty of. Explaining that THIS is why he is not welcomed in my life, or my child’s life.

As a narcissist, I doubt he’d acknowledge his fault. My husband doesn’t agree with it because it’s “opening the door for more interaction”. Which I understand my husband’s stance on.

I felt such closure from the last encounter of his unannounced visit. He showed no interest in his grandson. He showed no interest in me or my husband, it was all about him finding a free vacation spot, and when it failed, he was upset and fled (fleeing to my aunt 2 hours away because she wouldn’t deny her little brother a place to crash).

I WANT to send the letter. Explaining why he’s not welcomed, why he’s the one that should “get-well-soon”. I want to include the medically acclaimed website printout of narcissistic gaslighting behavior as scientific proof to my reasoning. But the passage of passive aggressive letters might not be the healthiest, and once my husband and I buy a house and move he won’t have realistic means to contact me.

So I’m torn.