When a separation is NOT mutual (M32, F34)

Submitted by ThrowRA-justunhappy t3_1283qk9 in relationship_advice

Hi there, looking for advice. Long, long, story short (aren't they all) after 8 years of dating and 5 years of marriage (no kids) with my wife, I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to be married to her any longer.

The "not sure" is due to my own personal battles and struggles causing me to be not great at making any decisions, let alone a huge one like this.

Anyway my wife does not want to separate at all and is trying everything she can to avoid separation. And I dont mean that as in she insults me, or hurts me, or does anything nasty. No, she is simply trying to listen to me and come up with something to convince me to keep trying. Her biggest argument is that I am depressed and I need to get help for that first, and after that I might feel differently. I admit that I likely meet the definition as depressed but to me it's not the driving factor behind this situation, and she is just using it for hope. At the same time, if I am depressed, then what do I know about what I am thinking? What if I find some helpful medication that perks me right up and I change my mind? Hopefully these kinds of thoughts explain why what I mentioned about my decision making abilities recently.

I love and respect my wife so this adds to my own internal confusion. We are planning to get some professional advice through a marriage counselor but every day in the meantime is very difficult for both of us (especially her because nothing has really changed in our routines).

I truly want to "try" separation - whatever that looks like - and go from there. But my wife is absolutely terrified of me walking out the door for even a week by myself. She doesn't think I will come back, and then she'll never be happy again. It makes me sad to hear that type of thing because I don't think she is giving her own self worth enough credit, and that has been an issue in the past (part of the "long, long story" that I have trapped myself in now writing...). I don't want her to be unhappy if I left, but at the same time I don't believe her when she days I am her "whole life". I do believe she would at some point learn to respect herself more and move forward in her life, because that's just how life goes, but she doesn't agree.

I know breaking up is hard when it's mutual and there is no big flashy reason for it (such as cheating/abuse). But when it's not even mutual it feels much worse and I have run out of things to say which is why I am hoping a professional will help.

I understand that I am being extremely selfish here writing this post because I am want to make myself feel better about my wants, but I was thinking that someone might have gone through the same thing (on either side) and would have advice.

EDIT: Thought I would add before anyone gets the wrong idea that no I don't want to separate because I am interested in someone else. There are multiple reasons but the strongest one for me is that i just want to live on my own and start fresh. I met my wife obviously when we were both young and I have never had the opportunity to do my own thing, on my own, and with only my interests in mind. The relationship began with her being the "attached" one and me learning to adapt and provide however I could. But it was never 100% meaningful to me as much as i have internally tried.

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Delicious-Humor-2019 t1_jeh4fqt wrote

My husband just did this. And the driving force was untreated depression and unresolved trauma. Making huge life decisions when you are depressed is not a good idea IMO. He thinks I caused the depression because he doesn’t understand depression. Nobody is responsible for your happiness and contentment but you. It’s easy to blame shift. So I guess I side with your wife. I think you should treat the depression and make life changes (both of you together) before you make a decision as big as this especially if kids are involved. Husband moved out and now he has someone else to feed his self esteem. Still not treating his issues though. It’s always easier to run then face the problems.

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