Submitted by throwralorei t3_11f4foi in relationship_advice
TL;DR: Talked to my fiancé about why he rejected it and if he'd be open to therapy, and he mostly buckled down on his stance and wants to sue the company
Mentioned in my previous post that I was going to see if he was interested in therapy before making any decisions because I believe in giving people a chance to try and better themselves before jumping to conclusions, and my mom agreed. Dad said he "created a fan to walk into", but mom agreed with basing our future on his willingness to try therapy or counseling together, and I talked to him to suggest it
Before suggesting therapy, I asked him to further explain why he returned the award when everything seemed to be going well for him, and I want to remind you that he showed me a written review of his training assignment (that he worked for a few months) that came back with great remarks (albeit nothing about returning the reward that had nothing to do with it). He said that he viewed work awards similar to participation trophies that he "wanted no part of". But when I asked if his reward was that, he said it was a certificate recognizing him for his work along with training/assisting others when his boss asked him to sometimes (mostly on computer when someone didn't know how to do something, so he'd show them over Microsoft Teams). He specifically said it wasn't a participation award, but that he "viewed all rewards the same". He also said it'd make it awkward when he helped people in the future because "awards make people seem less genuine" and that returning it "showed he was down to earth". When I asked why he couldn't just accept the reward and do whatever he wanted with it at home, he said it was a gesture to "show he wasn't a management suckup" and that he'd be "the same person after getting promoted". He also said he saw someone lose friends at work "after crossing over to management's side" because it was an "us versus them" mentality, and he compared his gesture to the person who rejected the noble peace prize that he heard referenced in "Captain America: The Winter Soldier". However, he knew nothing about it besides the reference because he loves Marvel movies and didn't even know the guy's name. But when I asked if he regretted it since everything seemed to go well with his training before the issue he likely made for himself, he said he was considering suing the company because he was "treated unfairly", and he wasn't open to therapy because "he did nothing wrong". When I told him that it hurt when he said that his work life didn't concern me, he said there were "many things he said at work that I wouldn't approve of", but that it was "his space just like managers who talk behind coworkers' backs". But when I reminded him that we were engaged and incomparable to a coworker/manager relationship, he said I "wasn't supporting him" and didn't want couples counseling either, and that's pretty much how it went
The reason I spoke to my parents before we talked was because of an idea he floated in my first post that I didn't mention, and I want to explain it because some said I threw him under the bus to my parents, so I'll explain why. He said he was considering working a retail job in the meantime after quitting because he thinks he hit a "dead end", and he said he'd be "more respected" there too. The other reason I told my parents was because we were looking at a home to buy, but those plans have changed and he wants to stay in our apartment, and that was before he mentioned anything about suing the company. He said he "didn't mind making less" if it meant having more respect, and I was willing to try and work things out if he considered therapy or couples counseling. But now that he's refused and doubled down, I told him that I'm reconsidering, and he didn't like that and said I "wasn't on his side like his boss" (same boss who recommended him for the vacancy and gave him the award) and has been distant since. He's slept by himself on the couch and even ate dinner on his own the past few nights, and I'm trying to see if my parents can let me bring some stuff to their place come Friday. I feel like he threw everything away for no reason, got a great review on his training and made an issue out of nothing when there was none. Learning about everything he kept from me still hurts, and I might try to talk to someone myself. But it really hurts because he basically said I never knew him at him at work, and maybe that's just how he is when he's not with me
edit: This idea to reject the award came from "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" and the guy who was referenced (in the movie) for rejecting the noble peace prize from what he told me, but he didn't even know the guy's name or anything beyond "it came from the movie" because he's a big Marvel fan. He also said it was a "selfless thing to do" and showed he wasn't a "management/award suckup" to his coworkers who'd "appreciate a down-to-earth manager" when he crossed over into management. He also said it was "something selfless Captain America would do". He said he wants to sue because he was "wrongfully removed from consideration for the position for personally not liking awards despite a great written review on his training assignment" and that it would "help fellow employees who felt pressured to take management awards to move up" because he believes that "all awards are participation trophies"
As a result of trying to talk to him and see if he'd be interested in couples therapy, he refused to think that he did anything wrong and still plans to sue, and I based my reconsidering of the relationship on his willingness to get counseling. I will be trying to move everything to my parents on Friday, but he's been treating me as if I don't exist because he knows that I'm done. He's eaten dinner alone, slept alone, and barely says a word to me anymore because I'm "attacking him like his boss", so I'm just trying to get to Friday, but it's been hard because he's turned on me