Submitted by throwRAbigchanges t3_125sd4c in relationship_advice
A lot of people in the last post assumed that the time we spent together had changed since I was able to make such drastic changes.
Nothing about our at home schedules have changed. I go to the gym before he even wakes up most mornings and am back home cooking breakfast before he gets out of the shower. If I don't have time to go in the morning, I go during my lunch break since I work remotely.
People asked regarding me buying the house and getting a new car if this bothered him: Yes and no. Obviously owning a home cost us more than renting but we split bills 70/30 and I pay the majority. I made sure his monthly costs would stay the same amount since his pay at work has not changed in 2+ years and likely will not change soon.
There was also questions about the other changes I had left out or changes to my appearance, yes, I lost 80-90 lbs and went from dying my hair purple/pink/blue/blonde and went back to my natural redhead/ginger. I didn't exactly ask his approval but any chance I made he knew was happening before it happened.
After I told him he was coming off as bitter and insecure, he started acting all offended and upset. I started playing one of the old youtube series we bonded over while dating and we tried to kill the tense vibes with some casual conversation and snacking.
I opened up the floor for a conversation and we had a heart to heart, but I'm left feeling even more confused and irritated than before.
He said that while he likes the changes, and he is more attracted to me than ever, other people in his life have been comparing my "success" (I would hardly call it that) to his lifestyle. His friends have called me his "sugar mama" and were the ones that put the idea in his head that I would only start putting this much effort into my looks all of a sudden for another man.
I told him his friends were either jealous or sexist, but neither of them are good enough reasons to internalize their words and then cause us REAL problems by their fake mindsets. He decided to start defending his friends.
Then he said don't act like your friends are so much better than mine, because the one I'm closest to is a stay at home wife and has never worked a salary job a day in her life since she got married really young. I asked what that was supposed to mean, and he said she was just another woman who only has something to offer by cooking, cleaning, and sex.
This is where I might have gone too far. I egged him on. I asked him about all the negative things he thought about those kind of women in an agreeable tone and he went into a bit of a rant about how wives like that have no use, bring in no money, just stress out their husbands and annoy their kids, etc.
Then I asked him what he thinks those wives think of him. Compared to their husbands. And what they would have to say about what he comes home and does after work, which is absolutely nothing. And told him to stop judging people who took a different walk of life if he doesn't want anyone to judge him for his.
I reminded him that I do 95% of the cooking and most of the cleaning and he still fucks up our laundry every time he washes it and has to be reminded to take out the trash while I still pay majority of the bills and pay for all dates/vacations too. So judging them when you're living an even "easier" lifestyle and have no children to watch after and can't even do laundry right.
We went back and forth and things got heated and he told me that I always hated myself, thats why I had to change everyone about myself to be happy. I told him don't be mad at me for wanting to fix what I hated about myself instead of just hating everyone else and being an asshole to the people who care about me.
He said inside I'm still the same fat girl no matter what I do. I told him that I know that and hope it stays that way forever because it showed me whats real and whats not. He said I'm no where near the same person he married, and I said I guess not. And told him he was silly for expecting me to stay the same 24 year old forever and that never giving me room to grow is like putting me in a box.
He said he loves me and isnt trying to do that but that I'm biting off more from life than I can chew and causing unnecessary problems by being selfish. I asked what about my decisions or changes were selfish, what inconveniences him, etc. He could not give me one straight answer. I asked if he wanted to split up (could not use the word divorce. felt to heavy during the convo.) and he said no immediately but that he also doesn't feel happy feeling like he can't measure up to me.
Another part where I may of messed up, I gave a deep big ass sigh and started telling me to stop comparing his self to me because we're two different people sharing OUR lives not living one life and he needed to get some self esteem and stop worrying about the opinions of other men who aren't doing any better in life.
Also, the "friend" that said most of this shit to him is in the middle of a nasty divorce after getting caught cheating on his wife and her airing it out on social media and him losing his rank in the military and facing possible discharge so yeah of course he wants to sabotage someone else's relationship.
Our conversation didn't do anything besides let me know that all of you were right, he's resentful that I bettered myself and is lashing out at me. He promised that the cheating accusations would stop, but he still feels like I am going out of my way to upset the balance in our lives and making things difficult. But when I asked him if I should go ahead and order some McDonalds and start gaining the weight back (a joke lol) he immediately was like "noooo you're so hot thats okay but the other stuff..." aka career and hobbies. Aka anything that doesnt do something for his dick.
I was so disgusted after that I went to workout and then told him I need some time to think and organize my thoughts alone. He needs to worry about breakfast lunch and dinner on his own for the next few days so I can have time to think. He seemed pretty surprised and thought I was being extra.
I wanted to give an update, but also wanted to know if someone out there in the interverse knows of some resources where I can help myself work through this. Of course, we discussed couples therapy but the price is ehhhh and would require some rebudgeting to make it work longterm.