I(19NB) love my dad(47M), but I don’t like him and it’s been that way for a while. How do I proceed?

Submitted by Pester_Goblin7123 t3_z95rhh in relationship_advice

(TLDR; my dad has continuously fucked up over the course of my life, and I pretty sure he knows it and knows that there’s a lot of strain between us.)

The first instance I can think of was when I was 9, and I was in the midst of a years long traumatic event at my elementary school. I had gotten home where I thought it all felt safe, but I wasn’t in a good mood. Later that night my mom(47F) was rubbing my arm absentmindedly and I didn’t like it, and because if the headspace I was in I had asked her to please stop. Nothing bratty, I was as polite I could be. She said okay and stopped, and we moved on. A minute later I felt something hard hit my head, and when I looked around, our big chunky remote was on the floor in front of me and my dad was looking at me.

“What feels worse? Your mother touching you or that hitting your head?”

That sentence haunts me a decade later. The only thing I give him is that he didn’t know about what I went through until I was much older, but I think it’s still not okay to throw anything at your child’s head. Is that just me?

He’s also made comments on my weight. When I was 14 my mom bought a shirt that was too small, even if I was at a healthier weight it would’ve still been small.

“Maybe it would fit if you weren’t so fat,”

I get my build from you, you fuck. And you’re the one that pushed unhealthy shit when I was kid. He also threw food at my head when I started stress eating in middle school.

He also denies my gender identity. I came out when I was 16. I wanted so bad to feel accepted by him because my whole life I had felt like the disappointment of the family. I wasn’t as mathematically talented as him, I didn’t just deal with my adhd and focused(like what?), I wasn’t good in school like he wanted me to be. I was like him in that regard. So when I came out, I thought that he’d be able to adjust. He didn’t yell, or threaten to disown me. He calmly said no.

“Gwesha will always be gwesha,”

I have never hated a word from our language, from our tribe, so so much.

I’ve spent most of my life crying over a sheet of homework, or cowering in the living room or my room. And now all of a sudden he’s trying to be laid back and relate to me, trying to understand my trauma and the effect on me it had. But recently during one of these talks he asked me if he went wrong somewhere. And I froze. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what the outcome would’ve been. So I said no. I lied to him. But a part of me thinks he knows what he’s done and just wanted me to say it. I’m caught between wanting him and my mom in my life and just running away from it all and never looking back.

What do I do?

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Intheboxalready t1_iyf4tjz wrote

Sorry you had to deal with that kind of abuse. It's amazing that you have this patience with your dad and still desire that he be a part of your life.

If you still at home, you need to move out and separate yourself from this abuse. Counseling/therapy will be helpful. You can invite your parents to be a part of your life, but have healthy boundaries and make them clear to your parents. Let them know how your dad's abusive behavior affects you and that you need to have boundaries . Might even be a good idea to write it in a letter so they have time to reflect on it before responding. Best wishes to you.

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Pester_Goblin7123 OP t1_iyf5b7i wrote

Replying to Intheboxalready (#832,941)

I do plan on counseling/therapy soon, as well as moving out with my partner as soon as I have a full drivers license and a few months worth of rent saved up. I didn’t get to adulting right away so it’s taken a while. I can see he’s trying but I don’t think he understands how much of what he’s done has impacted my life. I think part of it was that it was normal punishment for him and a lot of other Native kids, so he thought it was okay for it to happen to me.

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borzoiutrecht t1_iyf69tl wrote

Im so sorry that happened to you. You deserved better than what you were given and it’s absolutely no excuse on your fathers end to have acted in that way.

Now that you are an adult though, there is nothing your father can do going forward to remedy the damage done. That is going to be your responsibility. I know this as I also had an abusive father and I still maintain communication with him.

Go to therapy, put in the leg work, write about it, and learn to accept what’s happened. It sounds harsh but that is the best thing you can do for yourself. You need to allow the hurt child that lives in you to rest. After that, if you can and feel comfortable initiating a conversation about it, go for it.

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borzoiutrecht t1_iyf746n wrote

Replying to Pester_Goblin7123 (#833,749)

Things to do you can help yourself is journaling of course. You can write letters to the people who hurt you and really rip into them and what they did wrong, and then burn the letter. Getting adequate sleep, eating regularly, going for walks/moving your body are all things that help with mental health.

I know everyone says do these things, but they really do wonders to your mental well being. It won’t get you all the way recovered but it’ll build good habits and a foundation for when you’re able to seek professional support.

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Pester_Goblin7123 OP t1_iyf7ji1 wrote

Replying to borzoiutrecht (#834,032)

As nerdy as it sounds, I bought Hatsune Miku alarms for executive dysfunction as I struggle with taking care of myself, so I’m starting to take steps in the right direction I think. I have journaled before but I can never keep myself on top of it, mostly because I’m scared of sounding portentous in my own personal writing?? But I’ll try to pick it up again and see where it goes.

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borzoiutrecht t1_iyf82en wrote

Nahhhh don’t worry about how you would sound writing in a journal. I keep mine hidden and don’t tell anyone around me about it. I do it in private and i write once every 2-3 days. Just updating what I’ve been up to, what I’m feeling, dreams or nightmares I’ve had (if i remember them) I don’t like to burden my partner or friends with negative thoughts I’ve had since I don’t want them to worry.

Lots of people journal. You can also do it in your notes app, you can just voice record it. Making a habit of it makes it easier

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lil-peanutbutter t1_iyf94yp wrote

Nobody should throw anything at anybody’s head, especially something hard. Your dad trying to fix things now because you are an adult is a little too late. When you get into therapy you should try to set up a session with your dad so you can tell him how he fucked up while growing up. That will only happen once you are comfortable enough to actually tell your dad, but you should at some point. It will help him see how he made life for you and it will help you to let go and become a better person with or without a relationship with him.

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lil-peanutbutter t1_iyf9vh8 wrote

Replying to Pester_Goblin7123 (#835,098)

You don’t have to do it today, tomorrow, or next year. But you should at some point once you are ok to do so. Plus doing it with your therapist will make things easier for you to talk.

I never told my dad any of the shit he did to me. It has taken years to be able to be ok. Once I figured out that forgiving him isn’t for him, it’s for me helped a lot to make things easier. You never have to actually say you forgive him. But letting it all go will help you.

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