[24F][22M] A man who I deeply trust and might love could have given me an STD

Submitted by t3_zz05p0 in relationship_advice

I met a guy from Germany here in Canada this past April. He asked me out in the park, and we ended up spending the entire week together.

We had sex with a condom each time, I got tested and was negative. We FaceTimed, talked on the phone, and he sent me a journal entry he wrote about me as well as a love poem.

We stayed in communication the next few months, and he told me he was studying in a France, asking me to come visit him.

I booked my flight in September and came to see him 2 weeks ago. I told him in advance that I would be getting a blood and urine test so that after 9 months of knowing each other, we could finally have unprotected sex.

I assumed (that’s where I went wrong) that since he’s in medical school and claimed to care about me, he would take the proper precautions and do the same (get tested).

We had sex the whole 10 days, and upon returning home I noticed a scab near my vagina. The scab has now become 2 separate, painful full-blown legions/sores.

I am in so much agony both physically and mentally. We established that if we lived in the same place, we would be together. He asked me to come stay with him for a full summer so we could gauge whether or not we have a future with each other. Our connection was so special, as well as the way we met.

I understood he would likely have sex with other girls over the course of 8 months, but thought he would at least warn me or see a doctor if he had anything.

He’s not the type to sleep around. He has no social media, no dating apps, and keeps to himself spending lots of time alone. Not to mention, he doesn’t like going out, doesn’t drink, and has never used drugs of any kind. A “1 night stand” would be almost impossible for me to imagine him having.

I really liked him to the point where I might have even loved him. I’m in complete disbelief that he would pass something on to me…. I really thought I knew him. I really thought he was responsible.

I feel like my life is ruined and if my results come back positive for something, I’m going to be infuriated. Not only would it be over for us completely, I would also no longer trust men at all. I have a long history of being abused or treated poorly by men (starting with my father) and this would really be the nail in the coffin. I would need extensive therapy.

Is my future dating life over? How should I approach this with him? Should I call him now or wait until the results come back? What do I say?

I’m heartbroken, confused, and feel deeply betrayed.

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t1_j28ppfi wrote

I mean I’d say the best way to approach him is directly. You got tested, were clean, and now have issues. It’s possible he’s a carrier and doesn’t know, as some people simply don’t show symptoms. So I’d be careful writing his feelings off for you. You assumed he was tested, maybe he assumed he was clean. You both made some mistakes, hopefully his was unintentional at least.

For now I’d focus on getting the results to see how treatable it is. And if it’s one of the “gotta manage it but it won’t ever go away” STDs well then I’d say your future dating pool is pretty limited and that’s not fair but unfortunately how it is. Good luck OP. Sorry about everything

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t1_j28qubu wrote

Wait for the results, and the prospects for treatment. Then you will be better able to say exactly what you think has happened.

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t1_j28r4r2 wrote

Keep in mind that most standard STI tests do not screen for HSV2 (genital herpes) or HPV (genital warts). And you can get both even if you use a condom. And you can be infected and asymptomatic for years or forever.

What you’re describing sounds like HSV2. It’s possible that he gave it to you but it’s also possible that you’ve had it for some time.

I (44F) had a flare up last summer and it scared the crap out of me. Been with same partner for years, can assure you he hasn’t cheated, he hadn’t ever had a flare. I probably had it for years and just didn’t have an episode til my immune system was low.

Wait for the test results and then have a calm discussion.

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t1_j28sbkf wrote

Replying to itsokiloveu (#1,180,131)

Yep, that’s the gold standard test. Takes a day or two to get the results. Hopefully they gave you some lidocaine gel? If not? You can get it at the pharmacy. And they hopefully started you on an antiviral?

Your life isn’t over. There are meds available to take as needed if you feel an episode come on or that you can take all the time if you have frequent flares.

When you don’t have a lesion, you’re very unlikely to transmit to someone else. Some people have one flare and never again or very rarely.

Many people are carriers by middle adulthood.

It’s just real important to know that a condom won’t necessarily cover affected areas so that’s no guarantee.

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t1_j28tnao wrote

Did you ask him to get a blood and urine test as well? The typical screening when I go to the OBGYN is not blood and urine so, maybe he thought he was fine.

Also a lot of people have some form of herpes so I don't think that your life is over.

For future reference, I always get tested together and look at results before unprotected sex. Maybe that's something that you could try in the future.

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OP t1_j2939zr wrote

Replying to k-Unsolicited (#1,180,551)

I didn’t ask him to, I told him I was doing it and sadly decided to trust he would, especially considering I spent a total of $2K to visit him and he claims to care deeply for me. The moral of the story is don’t trust anyone ever

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t1_j293n1x wrote

Replying to itsokiloveu (#1,182,937)

I don't think it's a matter or trust, I think that it's a lack of communication and expressing your expectations. Had he said that he got a full panel done and he didn't, that would be a trust issue. He never said that he got a full panel so it is a communication on your end and lack of taking control of what people insert into your body. Don't be naive and assume that people will do something that you did not ask them to do

The moral of the story for you would be to communication your expectations.

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