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trilliumsummer t1_j2f625v wrote

Ok first off you don’t work every second of your 830-5 job, correct? You get breaks, yes? The ability to step away from the computer, read the news, check your phone, text while doing zero work. Your wife doesn’t get that. The closest she gets is when your kid naps, but if she’s supposed to clean or cook during that time it’s not a break, correct? And while she likely checks her phone during the day she still has to keep an eye on her job (the 1 year old) because it won’t stay still until she’s done. So you need to realize that your wife is getting no breaks during that time if you’re not using your breaks to give her one.

Also, do not underestimate the power of being able to have an adult conversation throughout the day. Is it the same as hanging with your friends? No, but it’s still adult human interaction and every job I’ve had there’s at least some non work banter going in almost every meeting. Your wife gets none of that - she’s trying to figure out what someone who can’t fully talks wants all day - she doesn’t get full complete sentences until she interacts with you.

So yes you are getting two vital things at work that she’s not getting with your child - real conversation and actual breaks. The only way she can get it is when you take over for the kid 100% for a block of time or you guys pay for a babysitter.

Now, I’m not here saying you need to tough it out, but you need to realize and accept there’s a fundamental difference between what you get at your job vs what she gets at hers.

Are you giving her the equivalent of several hours alone in the garage and she’s not reciprocating? When did she last have several hours to herself that wasn’t sleep or running errands?

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YogurtclosetOk6197 t1_j2fbdvm wrote

I think some of what you are saying is accurate. I think we are all tired of the SAHM vs working mom/parent argument though. I’ve personally done both. I can say for a fact that both are equally challenging - just in different ways.

What I find alarming with this guy’s post is the wife actually saying “my needs are more important than yours.” She isn’t even saying that their needs are different. Just point blank that hers are more important.

That smacks of entitlement and arrogance.

OP, your needs are also important. This whole “happy wife, happy life” thing needs to be left in 2022.

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trilliumsummer t1_j2fjqrm wrote

Well especially with more info it seems like OP gets the sahm struggles and is doing what he can to give her alone time, but she’s saying it’s not enough while also not reciprocating at all. The whole one persons need is another want and hard to determine a baseline of which is more important without knowing what we’re talking about.

I just wasn’t sure whether her needs were just 30 minutes alone to talk to a friend vs his need to be in the garage for half a day - which in that case the needs aren’t equal. But it seems like it’s the reverse - she’s getting a higher level of needs accommodated than him. Asking for a 5th candy bar stating she needs it when he’s just asking for one candy bar.

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ThrowRA_tireddad22 OP t1_j2f9u9p wrote

Absolutely true. I know this is not the same. And I am not even asking for equal time. Yesterday, for example. I took care of our daughter from 7am-3:30,she wakes from her nap at 4. (I take care of our daughter all night as well and have the baby monitor up on my side of the bed although she has been an incredible sleeper and isn’t usually waking up all night). During the time I watched her I washed and changed the sheets, did multiple loads of dishes and cooked two chickens for chicken soup im making today. I also went through our daughters closet and took out all the clothes that don’t fit her, changed her sheets and did her laundry. Then last night we got into this fight because she said she never got any time to herself and I don’t know what else to do for her. She spent the morning sleeping in, going to her favorite coffee shop and working in her studio. So I said “wait, I thought you had most of today off?”. I said I needed to understand her expectations so I can meet them and I couldn’t just write her a blank check. I told her I need a break too and we need to find a way we can both recharge. I’m perfectly fine with taking the majority of responsibility with our daughter especially over the break. But I’m not ok having someone tell me my needs don’t matter and that as long as she’s a sahm they never will.

As far as naps.Our daughter has two naps usually a total of 3- 3.5 hours between 8:30-5. I’m not really sure what she does during those naps. I know she sometimes takes a nap while the baby is down but I usually make dinner and the baby usually eats leftovers.

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trilliumsummer t1_j2finag wrote

Oh yea, her saying your needs don’t matter is not cool especially since you’re trying while she isn’t reciprocating. It was just unclear from your original post if either of you were getting your own time. And it sounds like she’s getting time, but you’re not. What did she reply when you pointed out that she went to coffee and worked in her studio for most of the day? It seems like something is off if she’s saying she’s not having any time to herself when she literally got hours that day by herself. Would she do something similar before the baby? Like you spend most of the day with her, but then she argues that you never spend time with her? Or is it something new since having the baby? Trying to figure out if her less firm grasp of reality is a long term thing and just wasn’t as big of an issue pre baby or if it’s something that started from the baby.

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