Submitted by polishmuffinz t3_10pte9s in relationship_advice
TLDR: I’m jealous and insecure about what my bf did in the past, I can’t deal with it and I feel that I’m just not enough. Now I feel I pushed him away and I’m still mad at his responses.
My boyfriend had sex with a woman and her friend came into the room. Got naked and started masturbating naked on the bed while my bf kept fucking the other girl. They supposedly didn’t talk about this happening but he was “fine” with it. He said he thought it was hot. And that the girl who was touching herself was hotter than the girl he was fucking.
I honestly can’t deal with this. It’s 5 months into our relationship and I love him and I know he loves me. But I can’t deal with this.
I told him that I was jealous and insecure. I have PTSD, which makes it already hard, in my past relationship, I had expressed that I had maybe wanted to have a threesome or another person in the room, in my first long term relationship It was very hard to have sex. So I’d think of a woman in the room and it made me feel safe. I felt guilty and told my bf at the time and he said it was okay. Than it turned into thinking about a woman having sex with us. He said whatever made me comfortable to have sex with him. At this time I started to question my sexuality. I hated myself and felt extremely guilty because I loved and cared for my bf at the time.
I later on asked him if it was something he wanted to try and he broke down. Later in our relationship I asked what about another guy involved and he said no lol. We never did anything with other people and every time we had sex I didn’t always think of another woman. It would come and go in waves. I really thought I was bisexual/bi-curious.
After that relationship ended I had sex with another guy. And I realized I really liked men and not women at all. The guy I was with before I just wasn’t attracted to him as much as I thought I was. I felt fucked up for awhile. I never did anything with a female ever.
Fast forward to now. After a few failed shitty flings and dates here I am. I love my bf so much. But when we started going out I judged him to be this player piece of shit. Just based off of his looks, I made this assumption. I had asked him when we first started going out “ what was the most kinkiest thing you’ve done in the bedroom before?” He assured me he was just into basic vanilla sex…yeah okay. I pressed on. He than blurted once I had sex and her friend was in the room watching and touching herself. I immediately thought it was hot than thought omg, this hurts. This guy I’m actually starting to like who said he had normal sex had done something like this. I was incredibly hurt. I already felt insecure because he’s been with 7 women and I’ve only been with 5 men. I was insecure about body count, and than to hear that. It crushed me. I didn’t think it was hot at all after that.
I got “over it”. But truthfully I haven’t. I think about it. We talked about it a few times and how it makes me upset and that I don’t feel like I’m enough. And that I’m scared he’ll cheat or what that again.
I told him how I had this fucked up fantasty that I’d imagine him fucking me and that I was also the same girl on the bed that he was watching and came to me instead of the version of me he was fucking. I cried and I felt fucked up. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
I brought it up tonight. I’ve been stressed and crying a lot the past couple days. He’s worried I’m pregnant-I’m not. Just hormonal bc my period is around the corner. Anyway, I was touching myself and than the thought popped up into my head and I tried to ignore it and cum. I came and than bursted into tears. Crying into my pillow.
I had to call him for reassurance that I’m enough. That he won’t want another girl. That because he loves me it’s different. I told him I was insecure with my lack of experience and ability to just have sex because of my PTSD from my sexual abuse in my past. I told him when we started having sex I was embarrassed and insecure that I didn’t know how to have sex anymore. He was intimidating bc he’s so attractive and bc of his past. I also told him I’m jealous he got to do that. And not only have that experience but to just be able to have sex. To top it off, I now get sex headaches, which is just another thing about having sex with me that’s difficult.
polishmuffinz OP t1_j6m6mor wrote
Continued: He told me I don’t have anything to worry about and reassured me angrily and tried guilt tripping me to not being up his past. But I tell him bc it hurts me and I feel not enough. And that I need reassurance. And that I hate that he doesn’t regret it. I asked him that tonight, he said no. I wanted to die. He thinks I want this now. Truthfully yes and no. Would I actually do this- no, not at all. I’m extremely jealous, I wouldn’t risk losing him, i can barely have sex as it is, I love him, we have an amazing sex life. But I can’t get over that he had done that and has that experience, I feel insecure in my abilities. He brought up how I told him in my past I thought I was bi and how with one my one ex I was open to that shit, and it bothered him. Tbh, I think I wanted that bc my ex had a small penis….I feel fucked up saying that too.
He said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore and that I don’t trust him. I told him we have to talk about this now. We did and it continued with him saying what if the tables were reversed I’d have to deal with it and trust you. I said it’s easy for him to say that bc he had that experience and thought it was hot and consented to it. He was like yeah I consented to it, I thought it was fine. I said yeah it’s not a problem with consent it’s a problem that you liked it and didn’t question it or get up and leave or say something. Idk if he’s lying about how it all went down or what.
Yeah, I was jealous that he got to do that but REALLY realistically speaking- I don’t want that at all. I’d rather k!ll myself than thinking of doing that with him. Male or female with him, going thru an actually threesome.
The love we share is immense. But idk how to get over this. And before I get judged, first I’m extremely fragile rn, and two yes I know this is all fucked up and incredibly unattractive the way I feel, but being a survivor of sexual abuse and being unsure of my sexuality and than having my bf say he did something I wanted or thought I wanted and having the ability to have sex PERIOD. It’s incredibly frustrating and jealous and makes me insecure and I don’t feel enough. How am I suppose to trust he won’t want it or will cheat on me and do this. It’s so easy for him to have said “well you wanted those things” while THE FUCKER DID JUST THAT. It’s so unfair. I fucking hate this. I hate everything. Why couldn’t he say he atleast regretted it. No he doesn’t have to but Jesus Christ.
He just keeps saying it’s not a big deal, I told him it’s fucked up for him to say that and he should care about my feelings. To diminish how I feel. He continued to guilt trip about how “our relationship was going so well”
I’m angry and I’m hurt and pissed at what he said. I wanna pull my hair out. He told me to be straight up and tell him if I want those things to tell him bc we’ll break up bc he doesn’t what those things. I ofc would rather not, not ducking ever lose him to some other pair of titties or cock. But he doesn’t believe me now. I know deep down he doesn’t and deep down I don’t believe he doesn’t want another woman in the room. I wanna die. Idc if I’m being immature. I’m asking for help rn. I love this man so much. But I feel like a baby saying it’s unfair. And I don’t even want to have a threesome or be with anyone else.
He kept saying I don’t have anything to worry about but idk. Idk why I couldn’t stop crying and thinking of him having sex like that. Fuck- I can’t remove the thought in my brain. I wish he said he regretted it. All he kept saying it was before me and that he didn’t know me than.