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ladyorthetiger0 t1_j6li2d3 wrote

Is she actually asking you to fix her problems for her, or are you just offering because you think that's what she wants?

A lot of women cry when we get overwhelmed. And a lot of men tend to think that means those women need their problems fixed by them. This is not the case. Many of us can and will fix our own problems as soon as we're done crying it out.

So my advice is, stop trying to fix her problems. See what happens if you step back and let her handle it. That doesn't mean not empathizing or being supportive, you can do those things without stepping in and problem solving.

Maybe she actually wants you to fix her problems, or maybe just being supportive for someone who cries so often is too much, and if either of those are the case you should re-evaluate the relationship.

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basketweaver231 OP t1_j6llun1 wrote

In the application example, I had to suggest that she email someone from where she was applying for assistance. This completely fixed her problem and she was super happy it got resolved and also stopped her crying. Had I not helped her work through it, I’m not sure she would have ever gotten it resolved or at least not as quickly as she needed to get it done.

She definitely wants my help. The crying usually starts with something like “I am overwhelmed and don’t know what to do, this is so hard”. She’s not really the “I can do this myself and figure it out” type. She’s more of a “ugh this is so hard, why is it so hard (cue crying)” type. I really wish it wasn’t like this though but some of these stuff I don’t think she’d ever be able to do on her own.

Another crying example was she has a technology assignment for her education masters and couldn’t understand how to use the tools she needed to use. She said she spent the last 3 hours crying and the assignment was due in a couple hours and she wasn’t close to finishing it. Im pretty good with technology so I came over and helped her with it and she was extremely appreciative.

Just little stuff like that where her first instinct is to cry and come to me instead of solving stuff on her own. I like helping her but it definitely bothers me. What do I do? Do I just sit back and let her fail? Do I just say “wow that’s really hard, sorry to hear that” over and over?

When people say “sometimes people just need to vent and aren’t looking for you to solve their problem” what do they mean? There’s only so long I can sit there and say “yeah that’s hard I’m sorry you have to deal with that” (I’ve gone like 30 minutes straight of this) before I just start offering solutions because that usually ends the whole fiasco much quicker.

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Malibucat48 t1_j6ly12z wrote

You have the answer right here. Her parents did everything for her. Went to teachers and coaches and fixed all her problems for her. And she absolutely cried to them first because she couldn’t understand the teacher’s assignment or the coach was mean to her. Parents got involved and viola, problem solved. And now she is doing the same thing to you. She cries and you solve her problem. She’s too old to be behaving like a 10 year old. She absolutely needs therapy and may have a hormone imbalance, but it is just a habit at this point. Talk to her and point this out to her. But first tell her you are going to have a serious discussion and she can’t cry. Tell her she has to see a doctor and she has to stop crying over everything. Tell her she can learn to control it because you can’t handle it anymore. It is not adult and it is not attractive. Let her know you can help her with any problem she has but not if she cries first. She has to realize what is wrong, know her limits and ask for help - without crying. It won’t change overnight, but it will change if she wants to. Make sure she knows you will not listen to her cry and won’t fix her problem if she does. She can cry in her pillow or cry to mommy and daddy, but not to you. And if she doesn’t stop, it has to be a dealbreaker. You need an adult relationship.

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