Submitted by Throwforventing t3_10gpbzh in relationship_advice
I just found this out about an hour ago.
My husband 40m is a procrastinator. He has always had a problem doing the things that he says he’s going to do, for literally as long as I’ve known him (6 years as of the end of 2022). The last year or two, however, he has improved with household stuff and running errands.
A month after we got married (5 years ago this summer) he got a letter in the mail. I was not paying attention and opened it without reading who it was for. I hyper focused on who it was from: the IRS.
He had not filed since 2008 (we met in 2016) and had continued not filing once we got together. He’s an independent contractor, so he knows that he needs to do the legwork. He just…. Didn’t do it. I guess he thought that if he ignored it, it would go away?
RElevant info: 6 months ago, I became a homeowner for the first time. I say “I” and not “we” because my father co-signed, and my husband is not involved at al.His name is on nothing, entirely due to his tax debt.
Today, I check the bank accounts and ALL OF OUR MONEY IS GONE. Any account with his name in it is EMPTY. $0.00 balances. 3 accounts- his checking, his savings, and our joint. Fortunately I have a personal checking and personal savings, plus I’ve been stashing money away in preparation for this exact situation. Deep down, I knew that he was not being entirely truthful with me- I just didn’t see it because of the rose-colored glasses of Being In Love.
For FIVE YEARS, I have tried to get him to deal with this situation. I have told him for YEARS that the IRS doesn’t fuck around, that they will come and take all of his money away, and that he needs to nip it in the bud before they do. He told me “No they don’t” with a bit of a scoff (he can be pretty condescending sometimes). He thought that I didn’t know what I was talking about, but I grew up in South Florida. I’m no stranger to tax fraud and constant lying- I was surrounded by sleazebags who only cared about appearances (no offense to anyone in South Florida, I’m sure you are very nice. I hung out with some real scumbags, from also socioeconomic backgrounds. Drug dealers and lawyers can be equally as shitty and can just as easily get addicted to drugs. I should know- I was in rehab with several of both (multiple stints in junkie jail).
since I am posting this, you have probably figured out that he never did deal with it. He went so far as getting a lawyer and an accountant, but then all progress stopped.. His story kept changing. I did not personallly speak with either person, so I honestly don’tknow what the truth is. All I know is what he has told me, which is inconsistent and doesn’t quite make sense.
This situation is entirely of his own making. I am out of sympathy, and honestly reconsidering if I want to stay married to someone so irresponsible. I know that I should have gotten an annulment when I first found out, but it’s far too late for that now. Me leaving will eat up what savings I do have (enough for about 6 months of bills, so that’s a relief). I dislocated my collarbone just the other day (thanks, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and couldn’t move out if I wanted to. He would only be able to stay temporarily as the house is in my name. He has a legally binding lease thatthat I must give 60 days notice for him to move out. I would, however, have to either sell my home, or get roommates. My last rommate experience ended in attempted murder of my pets so I am really not down for that option. (Turns out she had psychosis and a was in the middle of an “episode” not sure what to call them as that is thankfully not one of my 7 mental health diagnoses. She ended up in a long term mental health treatment facility last I heard. Hopefully she got better, that shit was terrifying and I don’t wish it on anyone). I can’t afford to live alone in this area, I don’t make a ton of money and I’m in a BOOMING real estate market where home values are spiraling upward out of control. My house is already worth 30k more than I paid for it. I suppose I could rent out the whole house and use that to pay the mortgage? I would never be able to afford to live in it ever again, which is heartbreaking.
I’m rambling.
I am pissed, and hurt, and feel betrayed and lied to. How many other things has he lied about? I know that he lies about the amount of alcohol he’s consumed, but I naively thought that he would only lie about that one tiny thing. I’m a recovering alcoholic (5 years in Feb! 10 years drug free in March!!) so I know what it’s like to feel shame about how much you’re really consuming, I lied about that a TON, because I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I also lied about drinking and driving, which he stopped doing after I threatened to divorce him.
My husband is my best friend. He’s the person that I wanted to grow old with, who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I got married to him for a reason. It{s because I literally feel like he is my other half. He{s the most important person in my life by a very wide margin. My parents should have gotten divorced about 10 years before they actually did, and I always believed that I would work through any issue that I had with my spouse as I never want to live that experience again of having so much stress and animosity in my household. However…. This is a bad one. I have been SO LENIENT. I have given him so many chances and opportunities to solve this issue. If I had known about it up front, I never would have married him. I spent a long time as a drug abuser and I have finally turned my life around and Was happier than I had ever been in my life. THis is almost certainly Karma for all of the shitty things that I did when I was using. SO I know that I deserve it….. but fuck, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
What do I do now? I don’t know if this kind of breaking of trust can be repaired. He hid this stuff from me for years, and was clearly lying to me about at least some of it.
I love this man with all of my little tiny icy Grinch heart, but I know that love isn’t enough. Unfortunately in this high COL area I can’t afford to support myself either, I called my mom today and asked her to help me pay for my therapy so I don’t have to find a new therapist. It was humiliating. She said yes though, so at least there’s that.
I don{t have any friends that I can discuss this with. My last friend group was all ´coworkers who stopped talking to me when I left that job because it. was toxic as fuck. I don{t want to discuss it very heavily with my family, because I don{t really want their opinions. They are not very nice people. I can{t talk about it with his family, becase they will be furious with him and make him feel even worse. Speaking of, he{s REALLY beating himself up and I just want to comfort him, but I can{t bring myself to discuss it with him Because I{m so hurt and angry. I feel like I should figure out what I’m feeling before we get too much into it.
I am lost, Reddit. Please, give me some advice. What should my next steps be? I want to avoid splitting up if at all possible (but I’m still keeping that option on the list). Should I comfort him, or let him lie in the bed that he made? Should I consult an attorney to make sure that my own finances are safe? Or honestly, a divorce attorney to find out what my life might look like if I kicked him to the curb.
BTW…. He spends a ton of money on stocks. He{s one of the AMC Army as he calls it. Personally I think all of that shit is stupid but whatever, it makes him happy so I don{t complain. I have no idea how much.
Another piece of relevant info: he owes the IRS an amount totaling 6 figures. I will not be more specific as it is extremely embarrassing to me.
Edit: and to add insult to injury, this happens on my cake day!! Lol
Edit 2: since it keeps getting asked we have filed Married Filing Separately for the entirety of our marriage. We have no children. We do not live in a community property state, which to my knowledge (100%possible I'm completely wrong) means that any assets that have only my name on them belong only to me, and we do not automatically split everything 50/50 just because we are married. Again, I am not certain of this and please correct me if I'm wrong. I have 2 lawyer appointments next week and intend to call more after the weekend so that I can get the best advice and, if I'm very very lucky, not lose everything. My house can be split up into 2, it would take a large construction project to get it to code as a separate residence, but it can be done.