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1

oldpre t1_j847gdc wrote

OMG... goal incongruence. i almost got into a fistfight with my last girlfriend about that. she was younger than me so i didn't want to throw the first punch. :(

−122

oldpre t1_j847hwh wrote

OMG... goal incongruence. i almost got into a fistfight with my last girlfriend about that. she was younger than me so i didn't want to throw the first punch. :(

−124

niceoutside2022 t1_j84ulus wrote

it's called unity of purpose, meaning, you have agreed upon goals and are both committed to it. Do yourself a favor and don't get married until you know what your potential spouse prioritizes.

You want to buy a home, have a family? If the person you are with would rather spend money on other things, you have a problem. Similarly, if you want to travel the world and take things as they come, you had better be with someone who is comfortable with the level of uncertainty that comes with it. The point being, you need to be honest with yourself and each other, don't let the romantic buzz at the early stages of a relationship blind you, because it will if you don't do the hard work.

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Xoor t1_j850jt9 wrote

Replying to niceoutside2022 (#1,780,666)

To follow up on that, there's a huge difference between what a person says they want and what their actions show that they are capable of handling. At least if you're obviously incompatible, it's easy to recognize. Less obvious is when you both agree on what you want but one party just doesn't put serious effort in and you're left doing everything. What your partner does and how they act matters as much as what they say they want to do and who they say they want to be.

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BasileusBasil t1_j85a4qb wrote

Replying to Xoor (#1,781,020)

This is absolutely true, but it's not always easy to reach your goals. Both me and my gf want to get a house for ourselves, it's not really feasible with our jobs though. It's not that we aren't putting in enough effort, it's that our efforts won't be ever be enough.

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AustinLurkerDude t1_j85a7xe wrote

Replying to niceoutside2022 (#1,780,666)

Usually there's early warning signs. Like my wife and I spent $500 on our wedding and less than that on the engagement ring. It allowed us to spend big $$$ on our future house and vacations.

​

My friend had the opposite issue where his ex-gf wanted some very extravagant rings/weddings so he broke it off.

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EasterBunnyArt t1_j85c715 wrote

I would add that you should also make sure both of you put in the same amount of effort into attaining the goals.

I have an ex who absolutely hated every party of keeping a house clean. So I became the de facto maid as well as the primary care taker of the animals.

Eventually I asked her if all she has to offer is her home but doesn’t contribute to keeping it clean, why would I want to be with her? If I am also paying into it on a monthly basis I can easily find an apartment with less of a mess to deal with.

Trust me, put in the effort into your daily life otherwise you just become useless to the other person and they will question your worth in the relationship.

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Aporkalypse_Sow t1_j85f2sz wrote

Replying to Xoor (#1,781,020)

My cousin and the mother of hopefully his only child with her have a relationship like this. She's a psycho that dreams of the things she sees on social media. She's also completely useless and lazy. Her only life skills up to this point have been providing sex to whomever pays the rent on her dad's rental house, drinking, and smoking more weed than the average oompa loompa.

30

F1reatwill88 t1_j85kfcg wrote

Interesting to see how gender plays into it. I imagine, in a lot of instances, a man has a higher tolerance for their partner not having as lofty ambitions than vice versa.

−15

Imaginary-Ad-9397 t1_j85klwe wrote

Replying to niceoutside2022 (#1,780,666)

I have seen this sentiment being echoed by lots of people here, and it genuinely sounds like solid advice.

My only question is : where do you draw the line and say you're incompatible ? Surely two people can't be expected to look eye to eye on every single matter. And if there are differences, how many should be allowed before the question of compatibility arises.

Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

28

ASVPcurtis t1_j85l7l8 wrote

love is when your partners happiness is necessary for you to be happy. if you are stuck in a situation where one of you will be unhappy due to conflicting goals then love would be pretty miserable.

5

HelenAngel t1_j85nhnf wrote

Replying to Imaginary-Ad-9397 (#1,782,226)

Yes, ultimately it is a dealbreaker because there will come a time when they will want to explore & the other person won’t. One good way to discover this is to ask a potential partner what they hope their life will be like in 5 years. It’s the same with libido- ultimately the relationship won’t last without someone becoming resentful of the other partner that they feel is limiting them

17

Dizzy_Slip t1_j85pcjz wrote

My girlfriend wants a dog. I don’t. It’s causing serious tensions.

46

aidenr t1_j85qhw6 wrote

Replying to ASVPcurtis (#1,782,252)

Put your own mask on before helping others. Your happiness must precede consideration of your partner’s or else you’ll never be able to grow together. Codependency isn’t wrong because it’s a disease, it’s a disease because it doesn’t self correct.

39

ACivilRogue t1_j85t8py wrote

Replying to HelenAngel (#1,782,397)

I think there’s a growing number of people of all genders but on the whole, I think there’s still an expectation that a man must have a mission and part of that is being a provider. I’d love to see a more open conversation on this and what the data says.

4

Just_Tana t1_j85tx5i wrote

It’s hard though, sometimes goals change. Sometimes people aren’t honest with themselves on their goals. Sometimes people aren’t honest with each other. I wonder if flexibility is a better predictor for long term satisfaction?

167

yall_cray t1_j85vr5u wrote

Replying to Dizzy_Slip (#1,782,492)

If y’all come to an agreement to get a dog please make sure to get that mf trained. If you’re already meh about a dog but agree to it, it’s going to make you very unhappy to be around a food begging, barking, fur covering the furniture machine.

29

bandyplaysreallife t1_j8643f2 wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#1,782,098)

Moving to a new city and getting a new job in your field is a massive risk assuming it's possible at all.

In the future I'd suggest not giving this kind of advice in this situation, it offers zero valuable insight and comes off incredibly condescending for no good reason.

11

Mannyvoz t1_j8656bm wrote

This (and other factors) contributed to my divorce. I re-married since then and it was a no brained when we really found weird how much stuff we had in common + Long term goals were 100% a match. Living my best life next to an amazing partner, the love of my life.

23

bandyplaysreallife t1_j865cma wrote

Replying to Aporkalypse_Sow (#1,781,916)

A life with no real challenges will do that to someone. Boredom gets filled with drugs, realistic goals get swapped with delusions. It really does the person no favors in the long run and it's a shame that people have enabled her for so long. People only get really out of touch like that when they can afford to be.

25

0biwanCannoli t1_j865i28 wrote

I’m in a relationship with a truly traditional person who doesn’t want to work, needs to have 2 kids because her friends do, and expects me to provide everything, like a house. In this economy?!

My money is our money, but her money is her money.

There’s no sex. There’s no communication. Plenty of resentment.

54

bandyplaysreallife t1_j866kca wrote

Replying to Imaginary-Ad-9397 (#1,782,226)

The only 100% deal breakers are if both parties aren't committed to the relationship. Anything else can be worked through in theory, although basically everyone will draw the line at giving up major life goals or compromising core values.

18

tetsuo-r t1_j86b3wj wrote

It's, I dont play football

−1

Awsum07 t1_j86b40x wrote

Replying to Dizzy_Slip (#1,782,492)

Sounds like she wants baby lite, or diet baby. & if she's not responsible/disciplined, arguin' bout whether to have one or not will be the least of your tension should you cave & get one. Speakin' from current experience

12

matthew_giraffe t1_j86douh wrote

Wow who knew that having conflicting desires makes couples unhappy.

13

theeldertriforce t1_j86jslc wrote

Replying to Just_Tana (#1,782,780)

“Sometimes people aren’t honest with themselves on their goals.”

This is a gut punch.

I would only add that they aren’t dishonest purposefully. Sometimes you think it is a goal until you reach that place and realize it’s not for you.

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werefuckinripper t1_j86mw61 wrote

Can also hurt all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones

22

Drudicta t1_j86ns1o wrote

Replying to Xoor (#1,781,020)

Been the house person, cleaning, grocery shipping, researching, saving money on purchases, that kind of stuff.

Fiance still grew to despise Dru over time anyway, because despite working constantly every day with no breaks, she didn't see it that way, and just saw a leech. Didn't matter how much was contributed.

27

[deleted] t1_j86o4vd wrote

Replying to niceoutside2022 (#1,780,666)

Been married for 10 years now as someone who's 37 years old (bit of an anomaly these days). Professionally I was the main bread winner for awhile but my wife wanted to go further with her career but we didn't want to sacrifice raising our kids ourselves. We were both raised by parents where both the man and woman had full time intensive careers that took most of their time while we were younger so it was important for us to not that do that ourselves. I've adjusted to doing what would be largely considered the mom's role by handling home school and house stuff (though she ends up cleaning after me half the time heh). We're both quite happy and proud to say that our kids have grown into teenagers with good heads on their shoulders. It's important to be flexible with each other and not let culture dictate what your role should be IMO. Wife is close to finishing her MBA soon and likely is going to make more than I would have in IT anyway so it panned out.

28

Damonarc t1_j86qcw5 wrote

Replying to Just_Tana (#1,782,780)

These kind of ideals are so couple dependent. Some people are very willing to compromise and work it out with each other to find a middle ground, because they love and respect each other.

Love and respect and open dialogue are the keys. Everything else just makes the first three points easier.

In the modern world, with social media pressures and "internet advice" and the increase in narcissism makes respect and compromise very difficult for many.

14

Damonarc t1_j86qe50 wrote

These kind of ideals are so couple dependent. Some people are very willing to compromise and work it out with each other to find a middle ground, because they love and respect each other.

Love and respect and open dialogue are the keys. Everything else just makes the first three points easier.

In the modern world, with social media pressures and "internet advice" and the increase in narcissism makes respect and compromise very difficult for many.

31

Odd-Independent6177 t1_j86u67l wrote

Replying to Imaginary-Ad-9397 (#1,782,226)

At a minimum, you need to agree around the things that one person in the partnership can’t have without the other person. For reasonably conventional marriages, kids are the key example. With home prices the way they are, home ownership may be another. Monogamy also seems like it fits the description.

Depending on your disposable income, it may be possible to have some dreams, like a sports car or a horse, that are personal treats that the partner doesn’t pay for or care about. With less disposable income, those things might crowd out essentials, though.

9

UnApprovedActivities t1_j86yz4s wrote

Replying to Just_Tana (#1,782,780)

With personal experience in mind I'm also interested in how values factor in, because in my mind values allow for flexibility in a way that goals don't. So like, having similar values regarding how you live (eg. vegan/hunting; modestly/finer things; religious/not). There is a lot more flexibility in aiming to be a non-religious vegan household living modestly than in aiming to have 3 kids, 2 cars, and a house by 30.

Eta: I don't mean that goals don't matter btw. They really, really do. I mean I'm curious how goals and values combined impact a relationship.

14

maimou1 t1_j86zek0 wrote

Replying to fjaoaoaoao (#1,781,960)

actually, this was a thing in my life as a kid. mom and her friends would sometimes spend a day helping each other with heavy cleaning. accompanied by lunch, and a coffee break or two.

6

redditguy1974 t1_j8753gw wrote

Replying to Imaginary-Ad-9397 (#1,782,226)

>Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

This was our exact situation. It should have been a deal breaker. We settled down. This was almost 19 years ago. I still don't think she's ever forgiven me for "ruining her plans to travel the world". It caused years and years of resentment, and left her in a major depression.

13

PMzyox t1_j87cqni wrote

I never realized that such a normalized part of life would be so much work. Everyone I grew up with and everyone I know seems have been able to figure out how to make it work, but I can’t. And then I go down rabbit holes about stuff like this and I’m just like, how do people have time to do anything except for work on their marriages/lives. Because I’ll tell you, from the outside looking in, they all make it look easy. At least a lot easier than even the beginning stages has ever been for me

30

slinkysuki t1_j87e242 wrote

Replying to maimou1 (#1,784,997)

Well yeah, the agreement is key. You don't have to value everything the same, but you do need to understand that someone else is allowed to have different priorities and you may have to accommodate them from time to time.

6

Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87esat wrote

Replying to Drudicta (#1,784,407)

The people that are more naturally equipped to fill the support roles like this never get the recognition they deserve because a lot of it is intangible (less stress on the other person) or isn’t noticed (like good technology, good support is almost never noticed when it works. When the house is clean and groceries are bought within the budget and making every purchase count and making the best possible use of money by hours of research)

I’m that person too and it took my husband living on his own to realize how much I take care of for him. He forgets time to time still so I will get busy doing something more tangibly productive and stop doing the other stuff but it never lasts long.

44

NickelFish t1_j87fe5y wrote

My goal for me at the end of the week is to rest up from being exhausted.

Her goal for me at the end of the week is to do anything but rest.

6

Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87gzsp wrote

Replying to HelenAngel (#1,782,378)

I mean it’s not always a deal breaker. I’ve always wanted to travel but would give that up for the right person and did.

I think back on it sometimes but I don’t blame them. I made the decision and they aren’t adverse to taking vacations so that’s a good middle ground for me.

3

Drudicta t1_j87jujd wrote

Replying to Alarmed-Wolf14 (#1,785,868)

Maybe she'll call after being alone for a long time. Or maybe not and she'll just piss all her money away instead of reaching any of her goals.

She's always been terrible with money and was way worse before we met.

8

ddrcrono t1_j87lh3l wrote

Study re-confirms that communication is important in relationships.

9

Snakesfeet t1_j8821c3 wrote

What if your goals become raising the kids you oops’d out

1

Possible-Kangaroo635 t1_j882ypo wrote

I've been hearing a lot lately that the vast majority of divorces occur because the woman leaves her husband. And the most common reason is that she earns more money than her husband.

It's pretty fucked up.

It also meshes into another phenomenon. Successful women who remain single. They're only interested in men more successful than they are, but the men who fit that description are fine with women less successful than they are. So there are far more available successful women than men.

And BTW, bisexual women don't apply the same standard to men and women they date. The men must be more successful to be of interest, the women do not need to be.

1

Dragonpuke56 t1_j88efu2 wrote

Replying to PMzyox (#1,785,741)

There's a lot of theatrics going on with others that "make it easy." What going on behind the scene is a lot of effort and work put in. Nobody really talks about their disagreements with eachother openly. Or how they stressed about making sure they saved just enough money to afford rent. Or similar scenarios. A happy relationship does have its bumps.

3

SubiLou t1_j88rr6i wrote

Replying to Mogli_Puff (#1,784,676)

There are many different types of careers in engineering. I found that I hate field support (emergently fixing broken crap), but love tech writing. Some weird people love quality assurance and compliance, while others love equipment design and training. I hope you get (or got) the chance to try out different options before you leave engineering all together.

4

tahthtiwpusitawh t1_j88t83h wrote

Replying to Xoor (#1,781,020)

Highly accurate. Very tough to anticipate when it comes to kids and difficult times. Use proxy measures as best you can. Ie: what happens under stress, no sleep, general responsibility/accountability.

2

tahthtiwpusitawh t1_j88um9m wrote

Replying to Dizzy_Slip (#1,782,492)

Dogs last 15+ years. Test the dedication. You get married have kids in 7 years. Up all night with kids, who is up at 6 to walk the dog. How is the dog vet and expense budget when you want to buy a house.

Trust me as a guy who looks after my wife's two pets from her early twenties (before me) full time.

Edit: add the care and lack of flexibility. Hockey game after work, nope home to feed and let dogs out. Vacation, add $$

2

thoughtfulchick t1_j88x9v3 wrote

They needed studies to come to that conclusion? Really?

1

redditguy1974 t1_j89c7gt wrote

Replying to Vagabond_Girl (#1,785,478)

I don't have any traveling bug any more. I spent over seven years of my career traveling. 60 international cities in 20 countries, and over 100 cities in the US, spending at least a week in each with plenty of time off. So I don't have any need to see any more. I am happy going, but I don't feel any need to. I'm much more of a home body and enjoy my time at home being productive.

I would tell anyone....if you are dating someone with true intent to travel the world, and you do not have that bug, you should break up. Because it will cause issues.

5

Plumb789 t1_j89zpb2 wrote

Replying to Xoor (#1,781,020)

I agree 100%. Someone once told me: “judge people by what they do, not by what they say”.

It can be hard facing the truth, sometimes, but it is better to do so. If someone is moving in an opposite direction to where they say they want to go, you have to be prepared to see this for what it means.

1