I am perfectly aware that being drunk is not a justification, just mentioned it so that the full picture would come across. Obviously I myself am responsible for my mistakes, and that includes this horrible event, I know that.

As I already said in a response to another comment I refrained from telling her how I perceived the situation because she made clear that she does not want an apology and I don't want her to feel like she is urged to understand someone who hurt her. She doesn't want to talk to me, which does mean I can not tell her how I feel but it's only natural that she wants to be left alone so I respect that.

As for my depression, I was having it under control pretty well, this one experience just makes me feel worse than I have felt in years in so many ways, maybe worse than I have ever felt. I don't intend to harm myself but the intrusive thoughts are definitely there and I am trying my best to fight them off. In part because I don't want her to feel like her perfectly reasonable reaction to my fuck up makes her responsible for what would happen to me if I did so something to myself.