Credit goes to hearler1422 on Imgur.

"You know what? I don't actually need that espresso anymore. On a completely unrelated note, do you sell changes of underwear?"

Hippos are monsters, dude.

They kill more people in a year than sharks, bears, tigers, and vending machines combined. They can lie in wait – motionless – for hours on end... then launch themselves forward with speed and agility that their massive forms would seem to make impossible. They're also stone-cold murderers with tempers as short as Elon Musk's... well, they're short, that's what I'm saying.

The lion might be "king of the jungle," but the hippopatomus is emperor of Africa.

If you haven't had your fill of hippos eating pumpkins, here's a longer clip (with audio).

An old man visits a lawyer to get his affairs in order.

"So, listen to me," the old man says, "I have several million dollars that my family has been slavering over... but unless my funeral happens in exactly the way that I describe, I want all of it to be set on fire."

The lawyer nods. "That's a pretty standard request. How do you want your funeral to go?"

"I want to be laid out in a glass coffin," replies the old man, "I want to be completely naked, and I want the mortician to give me a rock-hard erection."

"That's certainly an interesting request," says the lawyer. "Can I ask why you want it?"

"Call it insurance," the old man answers. "No matter how the funeral goes, everyone will know that someone fucked up."

I'm not belittling anything!

I am completely aware of how much effort it requires to be a bloviating, narcissistic pseudointellectual who has crowned himself the king of overgrown adolescents! I would dream of mocking that sort of disingenuous self-aggrandizement!

Hey, now, come on.

He has also taken credit for other people's work, caused funding for actual developments to dry up, undermined public-transportation initiatives for his own gain, dropped billions of dollars on projects that he knew were doomed from the get-go, spread scientific misinformation to millions of people, mistreated and sexually abused employees, muddied the waters with regard to artificial intelligence, and repeatedly lied through his teeth about various developments.

All of that must have taken some work, right?

The first bite was the assessment.

The next bite was the punishment.

I mean, you probably still haven't watched a jaguar carve a jack-o'-lantern... but we can pretend!

Everyone survived and was fine, at least according to the original source.