ElegantCherries

ElegantCherries OP t1_j8x2ork wrote

I relate to the 'impress the teacher/boss' thing too, and re: your last question, what immediately came into my head was "it's not about being watched, it's about being seen".

We all need to be seen and validated, to know our efforts are on the right track, and ideally we are gently corrected if not, then praised when we get it right.

If we don't get this as children, some of us learn that we can get something like it from pleasing other people. So our brains think that when we do for others, our efforts will be seen and validated. Whereas when we do for ourselves, no-one sees and no-one cares, or they even actively discourage us - so what's the point?

I think this isn't the whole of it by any means, but it could be one small yet important element.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8tpykr wrote

Heh, I'd be your sister from another mister! I'm so glad it gives you some hope. Sometimes just knowing you're not the only one who struggles in this way can be helpful.

That's so kind, thank you so much and 100x the same to you, I hope you can find a way to have some peace with this.

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ElegantCherries OP t1_j8hde6o wrote

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Exhaustion is a great way of describing it - I feel that too. I feel a great need to just rest, to just be. I think I am resentful about having to do anything at all at the moment.

The burning building is a great analogy! For me it's always been scrambling up a cliff face, and I can't stop else I'll fall back down into what I came from.

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