I have CPTSD, palmar-plantar hyperhidrosis, stress-related nausea which can be daily for long stretches, and a bunch of other symptoms of having a mildly damaged sympathetic nervous system. I had an extremely turbulent childhood full of emergency trips to the bathroom when something stressed me out. I am also lactose intolerant which nobody knew when I was a kid, so they would give me dairy and I would be sick, again.

There’s something else going on - ever since I was a toddler, I have not liked eating candy and sweets because they make my stomach hurt. My parents were proud that I would turn down cupcakes in favor of fruit but they never seemed interested in the reason. I think there’s something off about my gut biome. Idk if it’s a sensitivity to some kind of preservative used in sugary foods or what. Wish I could figure it out.

I understand that you feel you fucked up, but you are being abused. The situation you are in is abusive. The atmosphere is abusive, the people are abusive. It may be better than it was before, but like all kids, we only know what we grew up with until we get a little older and see how other people live. Soon you’ll start to discover that your situation was exceptionally bad. The more successful people you meet in your life, the more clear it will become to you that you were being abused. I grew up in a terrible situation myself, but managed to make friends with decent people, and I kind of learned not to talk about my home life because it bummed everybody out.

I hope you can afford to live on your own soon.

I have palmar-plantar hyperhidrosis and it is a stress response. Have you done any work with people who have a physical stress response(like sweating) and learned to minimize it with stress reduction techniques? I’ve considered trying meditation, because even though I can’t control my sweat glands, I have a few tricks for distracting myself when I feel my pores start to open that do actually stop the sweating from beginning sometimes, not always. That leads me to believe a higher degree of control could be attained with dedicated practice.

Edit to add: I was in a chaotic abusive household on and off from the time I was born until age 17. I’m pretty sure this happened because of things I witnessed before I was old enough to form long term memories. Onset was around age 8 or so I believe.

I’ve been at the same dead-end retail management job for ten years and I’m finally leaving to go back to school in January. I’m really really excited, and nervous. I finally have a supportive, stable home life, unlike the first time I attempted college. I’m done with settling! I think, oh please let it be true.