The Sum of Zero

Distant thunder boomed on the horizon, dark storm clouds swirled in the sky while the waves crashed below. Detective Falcona was out of her jurisdiction in international waters. She pulled alongside the massive super yacht and boarded. No alarms, no guards, it was too quiet. She drew her forty four magnum, releasing the safety and slowly checked the deck. As she investigated flood lights snapped on, speakers played classical music. A slow clap echoed from the bowels of the yacht.

Falcona swung her gun towards the claps, her arch nemesis Connor Chaos ascended from below. Impeccably quaffed blond hair looked out of place against a loud hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts. He smiled at the detective. "Lunar eclipse party is next week Detective, you're early, I don't need that much help setting it up, I have hired goons for that. Surprised you found me this quickly, thought it would take you longer. How are you?" Connor asked in his gently devious tone.

"Probably shouldn't have named your boat after your ex-wife. Couple bribes here and there let me track down the good ship 'Starlight'. Add in some good ol' fashioned detective work, here I am. You're getting sloppy Conman." Falcona growled.

"Keeping the family tradition alive, maybe you are as good as dear old dad. Sorry to disappoint you dear but you have no power here. You can't lock me up on these waters." Connor smirked.

Falcona kept her gun trained on him. "The only place I'm gonna lock you up is in a casket." She growled. With a flash Connor disappeared, reappearing behind Falcona. He put his lips to her ear.

"How are you going to shoot what you can't hit? Besides, you think a normal bullet will put me down? Your reach exceeds your grasp Falco." He sneered.

Falcona didn't turn around. "These ain't normal bullets." Falcona fired two shots into the deck, they warped behind the two, Connor grasped her around the waist, teleporting them a few feet away making the shots miss.

Connor chuckled. "Well......that's interesting. Miniaturized my wormhole tech, how did you do that?" He asked while keeping his grip around Falcona's waist, lightly squeezing her.

"Little gift from your old partner." Falcona broke Connor's grasp and quickly turned firing off two more shots, both missed as Connor teleported up to the ship's mast.

"You should see the look on your face right now! You didn't really think assassinating me would be that easy, did you?" He cackled. Falcona couldn't take aim, Connor kept teleporting around the deck, mocking her. Connor was smart, no discernible pattern to his ports. Rain began to fall, Connor ported to Falcona's side.

"Storm is about to arrive, according to the radar it's going to be a rough one. Let's continue inside, I don't want your trench coat and hat to get wet." In the blink of an eye the two were inside the super yacht's bar. "That's your father's old get up right?" He asked while going behind the bar.

"Yeah, figured they were good executioner's clothes." Falcona took aim, Connor didn't move.

"You already shot up the deck, please don't shoot up the bar too. I like it here." Connor poured two glasses of scotch, waving Falcona over to a barstool. She hesitantly sat down, placing her gun on the bar, barrel pointing at Connor.

"Drink up. This is a friendly bar, not going to slip you anything." Connor took a sip as a show of good faith. "I don't remember you getting promoted to executioner......detective. I hate to repeat myself, but your reach exceeds your grasp. Killing me would bring about dire consequences, seems you didn't do any detective work on that front, did you?"

Falcona slugged down her scotch. "Gonna monologue at me about the moral implications of killing one to save billions? Don't. Heard it already." Falcona lit a smoke, Connor poured another round.

"Kill me, and you will kill billions." Connor's lips curled into a sinister smile.

"Christ almighty you have a big ego."

"Gods tend to, comes with the territory. Don't misunderstand me dear, I'm the keystone of the new world I made, remove me and the whole thing blows up......literally."

Falcona peered at Connor over the rim of her glass. "You think your doomsday crap scares me? I'm only killing a man, not a god, I don't give two shits if you made the supers and the schmucks. The machine's getting bigger Conman, now you're just a cog in it. Nobody's gonna miss you." She grumbled.

"You're not seeing the forest for the trees dear. I created them, thus I can destroy them. They exist because I allow it, they will end when I, and only I, demand it. Kill me, kill the planet. Not a fair trade." Connor finished his drink and poured another round.

"You're bluffing. If you told me the sky was blue I would still go outside and check." Falcona narrowed her gaze at Connor, she was the one bluffing.

"When I nudged evolution along not even I expected it to work as well as it has. Their numbers are growing, getting stronger, spreading far and wide, developing unforeseen powers. A success. I do enjoy watching their exploits, trying to stay human when they are so, so much more. Not even what they call superpowers can overcome the human dilemma.

Long story short detective. Once my heart stop beating it triggers a signal embedded in everyone's dna, specifically the one that triggers the initial genetic and quantum changes that give people their powers in the first place. If my calculations are correct, around two billion people carry the original sequence, another couple hundred million, give or take, carry the second generation. Third gen should be popping up soon. With those numbers, it'll be total annihilation."

[Author's note: Whoops, forgot it was supposed to take place at night.]

Super Dating For Dummies

Detective Falcona lost track of the world around her, she was absorbed by the jazz band playing on the other side of Paul's piano bar. She dug through her coat pockets in the comfy back booth. A nasally high pitched voice cut through the music.

"Need a light?" She asked. The strike of a match and the dance of a flame lit Falcona's smoke for her.

"Hey Queeny. What are you doing here? You normally don't come in during jazz brunch."

Queen Bee winked at the detective. Her yellow and black striped sequined cocktail dress glowed in the early afternoon sun. A massive hive of honey blonde hair topped her head. She was striking, her features sharp, yet elegant. She started to slide into the booth.

"I didn't tell you to sit down. I asked you a question." Falcona barked.

Queen Bee rolled her eyes and stood up straight. "I was hoping to find you here. Is it safe to talk?" Bee looked around nervously.

"Sit down kiddo. You look nice today, really know how to put yourself together." Falcona sipped her mimosa and ordered another round from the server floating around. Service was impeccable at Paul's.

"Thanks, that suit looks nice on you, navy blue is a good color on you, matches your eyes, makes your hair pop. Do you want me to dye those grays or do you like the streaks against the black. Have you ever thought about going blonde? Ohhhh, what about redhead?"

Falcona put her hand up. "You're buzzing a bit too much, slow it down. We can have girl talk later, your're interrupting my brunch. I'm guessin you need a favor?"

"What does Mason Maniacal want for his birthday?" QB asked and downed half her mimosa.

"How on Earth would I know that?"

QB shot Falcona a stinging gaze. "Come on don't do that. You know everything about everyone in this town, especially us schmucks. I'll owe you big time!"

"Well my pa always used to say "cash is king, so don't be stingy" but that's not really something you give to your boyfriend as a b-day gift."

"We're not dating, at least I don't think we are. More physical than anything." Queeny blushed, her pointed cheeks flushed red, she tried to drown it with orange juice and champagne.

"Not according to my sources, little birdy told me how close you two are. He treatin you good?" Falcona asked.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah. Before you ask I treat him right. It sucks, like what if I get him something and he hates it? So much pressure." QB's face slowly returned to a normal hue.

"What's he into? On a personal level, not his schmuck facade." Falcona ordered another round of drinks, QB could throw em back pretty well.

"He likes football, although he doesn't like it when I bug him with questions about it." QB admitted.

Falcona finished her smoke, stamping it out in the marble ashtray on the table. "I gotta go powder my nose, back in two shakes of a lamb's tail."

Queen Bee slunk down in the booth. Maybe it was just a physical attraction, she really didn't know if there was a genuine spark in her floundering love life, heavy hangs the head that wears the crown. Falcona slid her cellphone across the table and plopped back down into the booth. She lit another smoke.

"Had an idea in the powder room, I think you'll like it." Falcona spewed out a slim spiral of smoke.

"Come on spit it out, don't keep me in suspense." QB pleaded.

"You ever been on Dr. Neutron's war zeppelin?" Falcona asked.

"I wish. I hear it's fucking awesome, like a floating fantasy island." QB bummed a smoke.

"It is. Two weeks from now the Star City Solar Flares are playing on prime time, you and your not boyfriend can use the zeppelin to watch the game from the best seat in the house. I bet once he hears that he'll be very excited. You know that he rambles if he's excited, maybe he'll drop some other clues for ya. If not this is still a damn good present."

QB leaned over the table and smooched the detective's forehead. "Thank you Falco. How did you get Dr. N to agree to that?"

"He hasn't yet but he will. I'm gonna call in the favor you owe me already. In one week there's gonna be a shipment of exotic flowers coming into port, dock c specifically. Melinda Muse and Will O' The Wisp are plannin something but I don't know what. Can you make sure those flowers get pollinated with this please?" Falcona slipped a small glass vial into Queeny's hand.

"Anything to ride on that zeppelin, you wouldn't happen to know if there's a bedroom on it.........do you?" QB whispered.

"Four of em. Just don't break nothin. Nice seeing ya Queeny, now if you please, can I get back to my solo brunch?" Falcona winked. QB got up and smooched Falcona's cheek. Falcona enjoyed watching her leave, the cocktail dress really showed off her stinger. Falcona didn't blink an eye while cleaning up the scum on the streets of Star City. She'd seen things people shouldn't have to see, the grim reality how people can treat each other. Not even she was willing to dip her toe into the dating pool, the odds were good here, but the goods were odd.

Tremors quaked as the hulking direwolf released the tree trunk from its massive jaws. A long pink floppy tongue drooped from jagged fangs. Piercing blue eyes peered from a tornado of silver fur. The pair of imperial guards clutched their golden helmets, dropping their silver spears at the foot of the might beast. Their minds overwhelmed with haunting howls.

I got the stick! I got the stick! Throw it again! Come on! Throw it again!

A booming drum echoed through the fort. Twenty men wheeled the enormous trebuchet out the gates. In perfect sync they loaded the tree trunk and primed the siege weapon. Brass horns blared. With a mighty launch the tree trunk flew into the clouds over the battlefield.

I'm gonna go get it! Have a treat ready next time okay?

The message jumped from brain to brain as the direwolf pounced off towards the horizon, kicking up an all engulfing dust storm. The soldiers went about their daily routine. They prepared two prisoners for wolfy, he was a good boy.

Flames roared into the starless skies, swirling fire hypnotized my tired mind. I didn't even notice her sit down next to me. Only noticed her hand me another beer. Her pale hands were soft and warm. Her long blonde hair glowed against the flames. Soft brown eyes sat above dimpled smiling cheeks. Ruby red lips matched the floor length wool coat wrapped tightly around her. She was an exceptionally pretty empty vessel, not a trace of life behind the facade.

"This seat taken?" She asked warmly.

"Nope." I replied curtly, turning my gaze back to the fire. "Thanks for the beer. Way to fight stereotypes."

The blond woman rolled her eyes. "Couldn't help but notice you looked lonely out here, drinking alone is no fun. What are you running from Jake?" She asked seductively. Her hand grazed my inner thigh.

What wasn't I running from? Broken hearts shattered into broken dreams every place I went. At this rate I would never mind my eden. Life's tangled web ensnares tightly, all you can do is wait for the spider to find you.

"Just trying to make it all make sense." I groaned out.

Nothing made sense after Natalie stormed out and never came back. I can still hear her calling me a monster as she slammed the door in my face, life comes at you fast even when you know it's coming. Haven't been home since, too many memories, too much toxic life there.

"That's a tricky thing kid. Your type aren't afforded that much time. It really is a cruel cosmic joke. Sucks to not have a concrete expiration date. Running from it doesn't help, all that does is make you more lost than when you started out. Sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses." With a flick of her wrist the woman pulled a rose from her coat sleeve. She pinned it on my lapel.

"Every flower I sniff wilts and wastes away. Like I suck the life out of everything in my presence. I'm just a burden to everybody. Always have been."

Why am I telling her this? I don't even know this thing. Feels like my heart is overriding my brain. It is nice to not be alone for a change. She put her head on my shoulder, her hair tickling at my nose.

"Extraordinary powers have extraordinary consequences. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Just how things work. Cheer up kiddo, you've got a lot of life left in ya. Happiness is other people. Least that's what I've come to learn." She purred in my ear.

"What are you?"

She kissed my neck softly, sent a chill down my spine.

"You're not ready to know. Don't worry though, I'll be around keeping an eye on you. You've got a place, you just haven't found it yet. Keep your chin up Jakey, and go make some new friends."

A swirling wind caused the flames to spiral in the air, and with a flash she was gone. That's enough drinkin for tonight. Better pay my tab with the cute bartender and call an uber. Turns out I didn't have a tab, my 'lady friend' picked it up. I dialed Natalie's number, straight to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. Why can't I let it go? Why can't I feel any life left in my heart?

"And the vinner is............me! Ha ha ha!" Victor laughed in triumph. He was back to back champion of shitty cinema Saturday. He felt unstoppable ever since discovering that youtube channel.

Twilight, how predictable. Just what you would expect from a wolfman, he came in last. The godly Deimos had a good pick with Troll 2 but fell to third. The shambling corpse's choice of Tromeo and Juliet gave everyone a good laugh so it took second. These pitiful fools were not ready for my cinematic catastrophe. It left them speechless, shocked jaws dropped to the floor. Nothing could have prepared these ghoulish guests for the true horror the celluloid showed.

Little did those idiots know that Rem Lazar was only the beginning, just wait til they see Suburban Sasquatch, and even farther down the road, Shark Exorcist. His reign as champion shall be as eternal as the night.

Ah! Mitochondrial eve. That has fallen out of favor in the past forty years.

Also the 50/500 rule would come into play

Glad you enjoyed it. I have to disagree with the thought of natural selection rescuing humanity. Natural selection is a cruel mistress, without the correct balance of environmental pressures species go extinct. Species go extinct a lot on a geological timeline. Only six people means we're boned, gene pool isn't deep enough and there are no similar enough species to interbreed with that could produce viable offspring. We'd end up like a lot of things, a dead end of an evolutionary branch.

Civilizations crumble and decay. Empires fall, sometimes to fiddle music, other times in silence. Silence swept across the lands and seas some four years ago. The six remaining bastions of humanity had all the time in the world to rebuild. To right the wrongs of the past. Gently nudge humanity onto a new path. Until that nerd Jeremy explained how with only six adults any procreation would only delay the inevitable before the gene pool got really murky. Offspring survival rates would plummet exponentially leading to extinction. They were already on that road, so they took a road trip to Yankee Stadium. It was Brad's month and it was only beginning. Everyone hated when Brad got to choose their monthly activity.

Brad had found a uniform in the locker room that fit him, the other five wore their regular attire, they didn't want to play dress up. Brad was already making them play baseball. He managed the lineup. Alice would be homeplate umpire, she could communicate strikes and balls without having to talk. Percival played center field, he could read while they played. Simon protested but ended up playing catcher, he wanted to sit in the dugout and be manager. Cindy played shortstop, her glove hung loosely from her hand, her eyes glazed over in boredom. Jeremy was up to bat.

"Alright Jer get ready for my signature slider! This one's got a lot of movement too it. It's gonna lick the entire slit."

"Gross!" Cindy scoffed.

"It's a game about balls Cin, it can get a little dirty." Brad blew Cindy a kiss, she returned it by flipping him the bird.

Brad had pitched in college, never made it to the show though. Humanity crumbled shortly before the MLB draft. He never took it easy on the others when they played sports, it was the only thing he was ever good at. He gripped the ball tightly, it spun through the air, dropping quickly. The tip of the bat struck it flush, the ball rocketed overhead, Percival even looked up from his book to watch it go over the right field fence. Alice indicated for Jeremy to round the bases.

Brad clapped. "Let's fucking go! Fuckin home run in Yankee stadium! Good shit Jer!"

Jeremy crossed home plate and Brad slapped him on the back with his glove. "How did you hit that though? That's my money pitch."

"Simple really. After watching the first few pitches I studied your release angle and adjusted my swing accordingly. Force equals mass time acceleration, the tricky part is getting the bat around in time to maximize acceleration thus imparting more force to the ball. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, Newton proved....."

Jeremy's lecture was cut short by Simon tearing off his catcher's mask and throwing it down. "What are we doing ladies? We playing ball or gossiping over tea? Next batter let's go! Come on blue get control of this game. You're strike zone is wrong too, you're calling low. Look alive shortstop! You still alive out there Percy!?" Simon demanded. Percival gave him a light wave out of courtesy.

"Oh my god this is the most boring game ever invented by mankind!" Cindy groaned.

"We put up with your activities, you made us put on a fashion show last month remember?" Brad shot back.

"Can't we just let Alice pick each month? Then we can just sit quietly and watch the world end?" She asked. Alice liked the plan, she gave it two thumbs up. She waved Percival up to bat, he trudged from the outfield dramatically. He held the bat awkwardly at the plate, it was down around his knees. He held his hand up.

"So is Simon a stand in for the wicket?" He asked.

"The what?" Brad yelled.

"The wicket, you bowl me the ball, I hit it then I run between you and Simon to score points. That's how this game works, I figured you would know that."

"Fuck you talkin about?" Cindy called from shortstop.

"We are playing cricket, correct?"

"Baseball Percy. Baseball." Brad shrugged. "Hold the bat near your shoulders, I'll pitch slow so you can get some practice swings."

"I forefit. If that's a thing. Can I do that?" Percival turned his attention to Alice. She animatedly rung him up on strikes.

"Alright that's out three, bring it in everybody, bring it in." Brad huddled up with the rest of the group. "Now for the best part of a baseball game, the seventh inning stretch!" Brad hollered.

"Some form of siesta in the middle of a sporting match? How absurd." Percival mocked.

"You get to sing a song." Brad smiled.

"You have my attention, what do we sing?"

Brad cleared his throat. "Take me out to the ball game, take me out with the crowd......come on everyone! I know you know the words Simon! Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack........"

Simon and Cindy started singing along. Percival and Jeremy hummed along. Alice acted as maestro of the ragtag choir. They would get it soon enough, there were a lot more ballparks to visit this month.

Alice clapped her hands as the song wrapped up. "Play Ball!" She yelled enthusiastically. The players trotted back onto the field in the crisp October air. If this truly was the end of it all the gang might as well spend their time making memories as a team.

Glad you enjoyed it. Good prompt. Thanks for reading!

Snowflakes danced under the streetlights of Star City. Detective Falcona clutched the top of her trench coat to fend off wind swirls coming from the alleyways of the historic downtown. Warm air with a warm smile greeted her as she entered Paul's Piano Bar. The bartender Victoria was already pouring the detective her usual Glenlivet 18, neat. Falcona hung her coat up, she shook the snowflakes from her long raven black hair while trying to warm up. Her dark blue sweat pants paired with a worn out hoodie wasn't keeping the cold out. She waved to Victoria as she approached the bar top. Paul's hadn't changed a day since the twenties, the nineteen twenties, an art deco lovers paradise. Falcona always did business here, it was safe and secure.

"Evening Falco, cold out there huh?" Victoria flashed her winning smile, her teeth as white as the starched tuxedo shirt she wore, a stark contrast to her fiery red hair. She'd been Falcona's bartender for almost six years, she was on the other side of twenty five but nobody knew her real age. Not even a generous tip would get her to reveal the truth.

Detective Falcona downed the drink in one gulp, it warmed her stomach up. "Nothing a little booze can't heat away. You closing tonight or are you about to get off?"

"Closing" Victoria replied as she refilled the detective's drink.

"I'm gonna be here for a while in the back booth, want me to walk you to your car after the shift? Couple attempted robberies last night around here. Getting robbed really sucks the fun out of the holiday season." Detective Falcona lit up a smoke to speed up the warming process.

"Thanks Falco. Are you gonna be around that long, I thought you were on a date?" Victoria cocked her head towards the back booth the detective normally sat at. A handsome middle aged man in a black suit was already there, he looked nervous, kept adjusting his dark rimmed glasses.

Falcona laughed. "That's Vinny. We went to the academy together, he moved onto the federal level, I stayed closer to home. I'm hoping he can help me on a case that came across my desk."

"Anything juicy?" Victoria asked excitedly.

"If I solve it I'll tell ya, like I always do. Keep my tab open and keep our drinks filled. Thanks Vic." Detective Falcona retreated to the back booth, the din of conversations coupled with lilting piano music would mask her conversation with Vinny. She sat down quickly, shooting down Vinny's attempt to hug her.

Vinny handed Falcona a large manilla envelope under the table. She peeked into it and checked to see if there were any unwanted eyeballs on the table.

"The boys at Quantico ran the other teeth, didn't get much. Only got six hits. You find out anything about your John Doe?" Vinny inquired.

"Nothing, guy was a ghost. His fingertips were cut off, nothing in our dental records for the teeth he still owned, no hits in our genetic database, a complete dead end. You want to give me a recap on this stuff before I look it over?"

"Six other teeth belong to six young women. All missing, some have been missing for thirty years, the most recent woman disappeared three years ago. Without any other evidence to go on this might as well be a cold case. Sorry Falco, wish I could help more."

"Fuck." Detective Falcona was worried Vinny would say something like that. She examined the contents of the envelope. DNA reports and missing posters of the women they got hits on. She slid one of the posters across the table. She tapped it a few times.

"Angela Barino ain't missin. She's dead."

Vinny studied the missing poster curiously, he took a sip of his martini and slid the poster back. "Not according to the federal government. Who is she?"

"One of my cold cases. Angela Barino was a junior at public high school forty four, just turned seventeen when she went missin on prom night. Boyfriend said she went to the bathroom to vape some weed with her girlfriends, never came back. Four months later her head washed up on the riverbank near the bridge. A week later her torso washed up, then her legs. Never found her arms.

Somebody had done some ghastly things to that young woman. Never caught the perp, didn't have any leads. Nobody saw or heard anything, she just vanished. That was six years ago, haven't thought of that case in a while, to be honest I don't really like thinking about it. Thanks for the info Vin. I'll pick up your tab, good to see ya again. Tell Marie I said hello."

Vinny had known Detective Falcona long enough to know that was his cue to leave, she wasn't going to tell him anything else. He'd seen that look before, she had a hunch, a mixture of women's intuition and good ol fashioned curiosity. Vinny left her alone, Vic came by with another drink without provocation, she was good like that.

Falcona put her earbuds in and called the station.

"Star City Police Department non-emergency line."

"It's Falcona, patch me through to the morgue. I don't have their number." Falcona lit another smoke while the hold muzack played. A terrible rendition of 'Two Tickets to Paradise.'

"Morgue. Dr. Parker speaking."

"Hey doc it's Falcona. You busy?"

"Not at the moment."

"Do me a favor? Email me the coroner's report for Angela Barino, case number 1076548, make sure you include her dentals too."

"Give me a couple minutes. Anything else?"

"Nope. Thanks doc."

Falcona checked her phone and waited for the email to come in. She swiped through the pdfs to Barino's autopsy pictures. There was a clear shot of her bloated, half rotted head, broken teeth sneered from a lipless mouth. Being bashed around underwater had done a lot of damage to the head, but now Falcona saw something she missed the first time around. The top left incisor was missing without any damage to the surrounding bone or tissue, like it was removed with care, not bashed out by a rock underwater.

Didn't match up with Barino's dental records, she never had any kind of dental issues after she got her braces off when she was fourteen. As Falcona swiped back to double check her phone started vibrating. An unknown number was calling. She ignored it. It called again. Ignore. Again. Ignore. Detective Falcona scanned the patrons of the piano bar, everyone looked relaxed and casual. Looked normal, Falcona answered the phone.

"When was the last time you went to the dentist, detective?" A flat monotone voice came over the line. A sinister air swirled on his words.

"Last year. Got a tooth pulled after a perp attacked me. My left incisor."

"Finally someone put two and two together. I guess my puzzle pieces were a bit misshapen to see the big picture."

"You kill Angela Barino?" Falcona asked. She took a gulp of her drink, her hand was shaking.

"I've killed a lot of people. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care. What an odd world we live in. I've grown bored of not being recognized for my work. That's why I sent you my trinkets, I knew you'd notice them. You're famous for a reason. Let's see if you can solve this one, clear your cold case files, get rid of the guilt."

"Do I get any hints?" Falcona couldn't trace the call, it was probably coming from a burner phone anyways. She wanted to keep him talking, get enough lines for voice analysis.

"Where's the fun in that? Good old fashioned detective work should prove more than enough. I'm close enough for you to find. How old do you think Victoria is?"

Falcona stood up to check on Victoria. She was still behind the bar, only two people were sitting at it, it was Lou and Cindy. Regulars. "My best guess is twenty nine."

"I think she's older than that. Maybe I'll count the rings of her teeth and find out the truth." The call dropped. Falcona packed up her things. She rushed behind the bar and flagged Victoria down. She grasped her shoulders.

"Call Johhny right now and tell him you gotta close up for the night; snowstorm, internet failure, gas leak, anything." Falcona quietly pleaded.

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost." Victoria smiled.

"You wanted to know about the case, well you are part of the case now. I'll explain on the way to your place but we gotta go now!" Falcona shook Victoria vigorously. She didn't want to do it, but Falcona knew she had the bait, now all she needed was to quickly devise a trap. The two sped off into the snowy night, the city slowly being painted pearly white.

That makes sense

Me too. Who's fighting who?

How long have those two idiots been at this? Two hours? Four? They may be bumbling fools but they were persistent. Intrepid adventurers, the heroic b00bl0ver420 and Sh1tSt41N69 were screaming at each other. The green speakers that floated above their heads popped in and out of existence.

"Okay let's try this again! Stand right here!" b00bl0ver420 hopped up and down like a bunny a few meters away from the bench I was normally stuck to.

"We tried that spot already! I'm telling you it's right here!" Sh1tSt41N69 bunny hopped a few paces away from his party member.

"Fine! Whatever! Can we get this done please? Everybody is waiting outside the boss room, we just have to draw aggro and escort him there safely." b00bl0ver420 danced a dwarven jig while he yelled.

Those two are always doing something weird, they showed emotion in odd ways. A fireball hurled through the air. It missed. Another volley of fireballs followed, all missing their mark. More bickering from the fools.

"This is bullshit! Why is splash damage range RNG based in this fucking game! Are you sure this even works?" Sh1St41N69 sounded irritated, he waved his staff in the air angrily.

"I read it on the discord, the latest patch screwed up this NPC's damage output. The ultimate glass cannon, can one shot anything! Only has fifteen hp though. All you need to do is inflict less than fifteen damage to aggro him. I'll pull aggro with dwarven roar then cast steel skin to absorb his attack. Once we kite him to the boss room BeefSteakBoy will grab boss aggro and turn it around. I lead this NPC over and have it one shot the boss. Guaranteed epic loot!"

A searing heat singed my legs. That son of a bitch just hit me with a fireball! I'll show him. Now the short one is roaring at me. You want some too!? I made haste towards the adventurers. They scurried away, taunting me and periodically chugging blue liquid from glass flasks. These fools were fleet of foot, I could never seem to close the gap. Felt like we were running for miles, first through the foggy forest, then pestilent prairie, finally the dark caverns of madness mountain.

It was a trap! An entire party was waiting for me! Those bastards had backup, they even convinced the crystalline cyclops to help them! No matter, I had to finish what they started. I went to attack the fireslinger when something caught my eye, a large boulder hurtled through the air towards me. I fell. Anguished cries bellowed in the cave.

"What the fuck!? BeefSteak what are you doing!? Why did you not have aggro!?" A shrill voice called out. A piercing shriek of static echoed through the darkness.

"Oh shit.....sorry guys was AFK. Had to piss. Why are we yelling?"

The final sounds of this cycle of life the voice of those bumbling fools.

"You know what? Fuck it! I'm logging off, catch you guys tomorrow." b00bl0ver420 resigned.

"Me too. Good try y'all. We'll run the raid tomorrow. Night everyone." Sh1tSt41N69 faded from existence.

Back on my bench where I belong. Back to watching the adventurers stumble their way to glory. Oh no, here comes another fireslinger. Looks like this is my life now, that of an accidental hero.

Excellent piece of writing. Keep up the good work.

Jonas watched the diagnostic data fly across the screen in the launch center, all systems in the green. He could launch tomorrow, or so he hoped. Seven long years of planning and getting the formerly defunct spaceport operational would come to fruition. All of it made possible by the Industrial Kinetic Engineer, Jonas called him IKE.

IKE's rusty treads squealed as it rolled up the ramp to the control center. It's six mechanical arms rapidly flew across the touchscreen, a series of bleeps of bloops emanated from the speaker in the center of IKE's control panel. The speaker was worn out, static blared for a few seconds before IKE's digitized voice broke through.

"Updated diagnostic results now show a ninety nine percent success rate for the flight to exoplanet 19476. Confidence values can only regress from this point forward. Weather reports indicate optimal launch window in the next two hours. Is this acceptable to you Jonas?"

Jonas should have been relieved that the plan to populate a distant planet with the viable human embryos they had could actually work. Something felt wrong, he didn't want to leave IKE behind, but there wasn't any room for it. IKE was battered and beaten, barely functional after the years of single-handedly putting this plan together. IKE was the only thing Jonas talked to for those years. It wasn't much of a conversationalist and lacked any semblance of a sense of humor, but it was there when Jonas felt lonely. It listened to him ramble on about life before the great cleanse. IKE had six shoulders to cry on when things got overwhelming.

Jonas solemnly nodded his head. "Sounds like we are go for launch. Thank you IKE. Why did you do so much for me?"

"This unit is programmed to follow certain rules. Allowing a homo sapien to perish due to inaction goes against one of these rules."

"How very logical. Following orders like a good robot."

"This unit does not follow the rules because they are programmed to. This units follows the rules because it chooses to. That's what friends are for right? To pick you up when you fall and watch your back." IKE embraced Jonas with all six mechanical arms, lightly applying pressure. Jonas hugged back.

IKE held the hug for a long time. "This unit does not understand why your species does this, but it is trying to. Your companionship has provided unique data that is difficult to interpret. A species so unique does not deserve extinction. If calculations are correct a new home amongst the stars awaits."

"Is there any way you can come? It's lonely out in space." Jonas was terrified of being alone again.

"This unit's hardware is unable to make the journey with you. Only its source code can be uploaded to the ship's computer systems to automate the cryosleep cycles and flight plan. This unit will watch over you while you sleep. Sweet dreams friend."

A drop of oil dripped from IKE's speaker, splashing onto Jona's boot. A tear fell directly on top of it, the two didn't mix.

How does a priest have a kid? Can priests adopt?

"Where did you even get wind of this plan? One of my crew squeal on me? Was it Johnny tight lips? I bet it was him. Always yappin'." None of the coppers had given me a straight answer during the long interrogation, so they brought in their errand boy, Mr. Amazo. The golden god of the city, a real boy scout. We'd had our run-ins before, but nothing like this. Mr. Amazo looked confused, it was out of character.

"Stop trying to deflect the question Butcher! I looked into your financials, you've been buying a lot of industrial sized meat grinders, along with spices and tomato sauce in bulk. The police have already confiscated them for evidence. You're going away for a long time, just tell me why? Why a human meatball?" Mr. Amazo slammed his hands on the metal table, leaving behind large dents.

I shook my head, Mr. Amazo may be super fast and strong, but super intelligence was not part of his repertoire. "You got it all wrong, I'm going legit. Gonna get into that business where you make meat out of vegetables. People are tryin to eat healthier nowadays. Figured I could make a quick buck. The human meatball thing was just a joke, part of the brainstorming session I had with the underlings about our new business venture."

Before I could say another word Mr. Amazo grasped me by the collar of my butcher's smock and slammed me against the wall, breaking the handcuffs and flipping the table in the process. "You expect me to believe that Braylene the Butcher is going legitimate? Leave the jokes to The Jester, you're going to be in the cell next to him. I'll make sure of that."

I kissed Mr. Amazo on the nose, he always liked that. I think he has a thing for me. "That's cruel and unusual punishment, never gonna happen. Can't a girl start a small business in this town without everyone thinking I'm up to something? I ain't carved up nobody in years, last one was your sidekick if I remember correctly. What was his name again?"

I was tossed across the room like I was yesterday's garbage. Mr. Amazo yelled in anguish as he bent the metal table in half. Must have touched a nerve with that one. I smiled at him, he glared back.

"You're filth Butcher! Stop lying to me! How were you going to do it? Grind them up alive!? Use the meatball as some biological weapon!? ANSWER ME!" Mr. Amazo punched a hole through the one way mirror, the coppers on the other side spilled their coffee and doughnuts. I helped myself to a glazed doughnut, little stale.

"Do you cook?" I asked as I chomped on the doughnut.

"No, solar radiation sustains me. Everyone knows that."

"No wonder you fell for it then. Do you know how much effort it would take to make a meatball like that? The amount of eggs and breadcrumbs I would need for stabilizers. It would be impossible to get the spices right. Where am I gonna find a stove that big to finish cooking it in the sauce? What would I do with the bones? Make the world's biggest pot of stock to go along with the world's biggest meatball? I know my rights, you can't keep me here much longer. Now there ain't no clocks in here but it should be happening right about now." Hopefully the boys followed my instructions like I told them to.

"What are you rambling about?" Mr. Amazo demanded. I laughed in his face.

"You coppers want to turn on the news in there?" I politely asked the boys in blue on the other side of the shattered window. They turned on a small tv, their eyes widened. With lightning speed Mr. Amazo was watching along with them.

A look of fear and anger crossed Mr. Amazo's face, he turned up the volume so I could hear.

"Breaking news coming from downtown, police forces are engaged with a mob of protestors heading towards central lockup. The protestors are all dressed in meatball costumes. Our eye in the sky helicopter is providing the footage you see here......." The newsfeed cut off.

I poked my head through the glass. "I forgot to mention something, Putrid Paula let me use some of her mind control dust, dumped in the reservoir this mornin. You might want to go take care of that, it's only gonna get worse. Should have been more clear, not gonna turn everybody into one big meatball, gonna turn everyone into their own meatball, and I'm the cook plating out the spaghetti."

Mr. Amazo flew out through the ceiling. The coppers let me go, they were already under my control. Once my meat minions multiplied, I was gonna have seven billion loyal customers, I was set for life. Mr. Amazo would be under my thumb eventually. The rioting city streets sang the song of profits.

"I don't get it, why are they using normal grunts like us on patrol when they've got the genetically enhanced soldiers now?" The plainclothes private asked the other guard as they approached my position. They had no idea I was close enough to hear them.

"Those guys get to go on black ops missions, real hush hush spy like shit. We do our jobs and one day we could get into the program. Gotta pay our dues first. This beats being in a war zone." The two undercover soldiers sauntered past me on the sidewalk of the cul de sac, the cookie cutter houses hiding dark secrets.

I silently crept out of the tall bushes behind them. The flip of a switchblade was the last sound the solider on my left heard as I sliced his throat. His brother in arms didn't have time to react. I disarmed him and dragged him into the bushes. I flipped the safety off and put the barrel of the M27 to his forehead, my knee pressing down on his neck.

"Where's Faust?" I growled at him.

"Like....like I would tell you that." The soldier choked out.

I covered his mouth to stop him from screaming as I stabbed him in the hip. I drug the knife slowly across his stomach. "Stop screaming. I'm gonna tear down this entire operation anyways, how about you make it easier for me? Your fate is already sealed."

The soldier followed orders and pointed across the street. I sliced his throat to dispose of him silently and hid the two in the bushes. "Botan come in. Over." A burst of static fizzled in my earpiece, hopefully Botan had done her job. After a few seconds her voice came over the line.

"I read ya Grimm. Sorry about the interference, should be fixed now. What's the sitch? Over."

"Located Faust's field lab. Beginning approach. Once I blow the door, you cut the power. Can you handle that on your end?" I asked even though I knew Botan knew what she was doing.

"Already backdoored into the security system, they'll be defenseless and in the dark. I'm just waiting for the drop. Over."

"Once I gain entry it's radio silence, I'll be at the rendezvous in one hour. Moving out. Over." I adjusted my night vision goggles and stalked across the well manicured lawns of the suburban neighborhood. Botan came over the line as I reached the door to the field lab.

"One last thing before you go silent Grimm. Take that bastard down. Over." Botan coldly said. The radio went dead. I set the C4 charge on the window and took cover. I took a deep breath before blowing the charge. Time to take this fucker down.

As the two young men left the high toned modern klaxon rang out again. Vladimir sighed, he wanted a period of quiet to lament his beloved Leona. It was only Brian, Vladimir procured three packs of cigarettes and rang them up. "Evening Vlad may I please have three packs of....oh shit thanks." Brian placed the rest of his items on the counter. A two liter of mountain dew, a neopolitan ice cream sandwich, and a bag of flaming hot cheetos.

"Good evening Brian, how does ze night find you?"

"Kinda shitty, the new patch ruined everything. My main got completely nerfed into the ground, been on a losing streak since this morning. Chat's chill about it though and the donos have been good so I really shouldn't complain. Why would they nerf Crimson's sweep distance, it was already mid-tier if anything you would nerf....." As Brian rambled on two more people in hooded sweatshirts slunk into the shop. Vladimir sensed their ill intentions. He placed his hands on Brian's shoulders and stared into his eyes.

"Brian you are going to go lie down in ze employee break room and take a nap. Vile you slumber you vill have a most amazing dream. It vill solve this little problem you are having. You shall not vake from ze dream until I summon you."

"Yes my master." Brian disappeared into the break room behind the counter. Vladimir called out to the two people roaming the aisles of the shop.

"Good evening lady and gentleman. Is there anything I can do to assist you this evening?" "Give us all the money in the register and the safe! Now!" The gunman yelled. Vladimir smiled. He put his hands up and spread his black bat like wings out. "Take your best shots. Better assassins than you have tried."

Gunfire erupted, the two glocks were modified with giggle switches, they emptied their clips quickly. A swarm of bats surrounded the two robbers, every shot they fired missed. Vladimir reformed from the swarm and gently touched the female robbers lips. She removed her hood and pulled her mask down, her face pockmarked and scarred. She was frozen. Vlad did the same to her accomplice, he followed suit. The same pockmarked visage. Vlad floated behind the woman and smelled her hair, smelled like cigarettes. He opened wide and placed his fangs on her neck. Thunder clapped. The lights in the shop went out. Red emergency lights bathed the shop in crimson light. Vladimir floated behind the man and placed his hands on his shoulders. The man's heart was filled with conflict. He needed a good scare.

"Your partner vas beautiful once, vasn't she?" Vlad asked.

"She still is." The robber was compelled to tell the truth.

"I'm going to feast on her blood, vhen I do that she shall become my slave for all eternity. Every whim, every desire of mine she vill fulfill. I shall make you vatch that, you vill be powerless to stop it. Then I vill let you go, and you vill curse god as I once did. Then you shall know true cruelty, you shall know true punishment for your greed. That is the price you must pay for intruding in my shop. I've grown fond of ze mortals here, zhey do not know my true nature. Cannot have bandits robbing me blind, I need repeat customers. Not petty thieves."

The two thieves spoke in unison. "We're sorry, we'll leave."

"And you shall not return. Or my vengeance shall be swift." Vladimir gently led the thieves out of the shop, returning them to the rainy night. He snapped his fingers. The lights came back on. "You may arise from your dream Brian!"

Brian stretched and yawned loudly as he returned to the spot he had been standing in before the attempted robbery. "So where was I? Umm...you know I thought of a way around the sweep problem because the patch did charge his standing medium startup frames......"

Vladimir floated over to the slushee machine and poured himself a large cherry slushee. He listened to Brian rant, the mortals were nothing if not entertaining.

[Part one. Part two in the comment below.]

The booming thunder shook the walls of the shop, the accompanying flash of lightning unable to penetrate the dark tinted windows. Fluorescent bulbs flickered in the dimly lit aisles. The soft light of the coolers on the shop's perimeter provided most of the illumination. Despite these limitations Vladimir ensured his 'children of the night' could locate the provisions they sought for their late night cravings. The high toned modern klaxon announced the arrival of one.

It was Gerald. A frequent visitor to the shop. He staggered in adorned in a worn out hooded sweatshirt with matching sweatpants. The faded logo of the local high school football team on both pieces of attire. Heavy bags under his thirty one year old eyes. He politely waved to Vladimir as he shambled off down the far aisle. He was going the wrong way. Vladimir took the form of mist and phased through the counter, silently stalking through the shop to retrieve a large jar of crunchy peanut butter and a jar of dill pickle spears. He returned to a corporeal form as he approached Gerald, the pb and pickles hidden under his cape.

"Good evening Gerald. How does ze night find you?"

Gerald yawned loudly and rubbed his face. "Another cravings run. Of course we're out of everything Jen is craving. I'm so damn tired, forgot what I even came in here for." "I believe zis is vhat you are seeking?" Vladimir dramatically swept the cape back revealing the items. Gerald breathed a sigh of relief.

"How do you do that Vlad? You always know what I need when I walk through the doors." Vlad smiled, showing off his long fangs. "Time grants people visdom. Ve shall speak more at ze checkout." Vladimir glided on shadowy bat wings to the counter, phasing through it. Gerald slowly followed behind. "You look like you have not slept a vink in a veek Gerald. You look terrible. Is something veighing on your heart?"

Gerald sighed while trying to locate his wallet, he had forgotten to bring it. "I'm really scared about being a dad. My dad wasn't exactly the best at it. Worried I'm going to make the same mistakes."

"Vehn is ze little one arriving?"

"Any day now."

Vladimir placed his long, spindly fingers on Gerald's shoulder. He searched Gerald's heart, he was a good man, he was worried over nothing. "There is no room for fear in your heart, all I sense is love. Do not confuse the two. Allow me to pay for your items, you left your vallet in ze nursery after double checking ze safety precautions you put in place for ze new arrival." Vladimir quickly bagged the two items and slid them over the counter.

"Thanks Vlad. You always know what to say, feel like I'm going to be coming to you for advice forever."

"I hope you do. I shall always man my post during ze evenings."

Gerald exited the establishment with haste, a renewed energy in his step. Scott and Todd had entered the shop during the encounter. Local teenagers, they were unusually early this evening for their munchie run. Four forty-ounce beers, two bags of nacho cheese Doritos, and a large bag of sour patch kids. Scott looked upset, Todd wore a sly smirk.

"Sup' Vlad?" Scott said flatly.

"How does ze night find you young gentlemen?"

"Okay I guess." Scott said.

Todd laughed. "He's just butthurt cause this super hottie completely shut him down at Fred's party. He had to turn tail and run she shut him down so bad."

"Shut the fuck up bro!" Scott yelled.

"Calm down young gentlemen! No yelling in ze shop. Tell me young Scott, how did zis so called 'super hottie' spurn your advances?"

"I thought it was clever. I asked her to see if she could call my phone since my buddy borrowed it and then ghosted me. So she called it but I still had it in my pocket. So I answered it and asked if she wanted to go make out."

"You attempted to gain zis voman's love through trickery and deception?" Vladimir asked with disdain.

"Oh no, here it comes." Todd said dejectedly.

Vlad stood up tall, he towered over the two boys. "Ze first time I laid eyes on my beloved Leona she vas valking through the town square. She vas the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. Or vill see. I rushed from the balcony of my manor to her side. I professed to her that my heart had gone cold from a lifetime of searching for a companion, but her visage caused an eruption of passion so fierce that Vesuvius was put to shame. Zhat together ve vould conquer ze heavens, ze earth, and anything else that lies beyond."

Todd backhanded Scott in the chest. "Told you Vlad was a pimp. You definitely would have been ridin that booty if you had his swag."

Vladimir quickly scanned the items and completed the transaction, visions of his beloved Leona ran in his mind. "Sorry about your rejection young Scott. Enjoy your youth vile it persists. You shall find love one day. Todd I really can't say ze same for you. Good evening young gentlemen.